Keep your weedwacker clean

For decades people have been telling children to wash their hands after urinating. I feel I must dust off my decades old biology degree from that venerable institution , the university of Illinois, and correct this error. You see, urine is actually mildly acidic and is a germicide (you know - kills germs). In fact as recently as the 1700's some people used to gargle with urine as an antiseptic. I'm sure it it wasn't great for the breath and I'm sure I would frown upon kissing anyone who just gargled with the stuff, but it was used as an antiseptic.
So, let me give you this scenario:
You wake up and take a shower. While in the shower you wash your private parts thoroughly. After your shower you put on clean underwear followed by clean pants. You could do this in reverse order, but it is not advised. You may even skip the underwear step all together, but let's assume the pants are clean. Your hands however, are exposed to germs constantly from surfaces that others have touched, sneezed on, coughed on etc. Your hands are the most germ ridden part of your body. Now you have the urge to pee, so you find an open urinal and and pull out your johnson with your filthy germ ridden hands. After finishing you put your now dirty willie back in your pants and wash your hands. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!
What you should do is wash your dirty hands BEFORE you pee, so that now only clean hands touch your pristine peepee and your are germ free.
And if you get a drop on your hands, don't worry, just wipe it on your pants and kill some germs.

Sweet smell of success

I have developed a new scent for men. It is unlike any other scent on the market. It is especially designed for men who don't have much, if any, success with women. No pretty fragrances or manly smells. This is for the man who needs a convincing lie. It is the scent of combined sex "fluids".
Upon smelling this fragrance other men will smile knowingly and there will be high fives all around. Women on the other hand will be intrigued and wonder what you've got going for you. This works especially well if you're not a "looker" as your best attributes will not be apparent prompting even more thought on the your possible talents.
But that's not all. I have a second product that will complete the illusion of studliness. This product is "post coital bed hair" spray and combined with the fragrance it will have people gazing in wonder or awe instead of thinking you may possibly have fallen into a vat of tuna fish.
So men can go ahead and live their dream because as the new saying goes "phony success breeds real success".
These products are still in development. Investors are welcome. Get in on the ground floor with this ground breaking product.Your initial investment may be as small as a bottle of Sam Adams, or as large as Donald Trump's hair care budget. After all the fragrance market is about $200 billion per year and growing - get your share!

Rose bowl

Illinois in the rose bowl, Michigan in the toilet bowl. Yes there is a god.
In order to continue this great season I am definitely not having a rose bowl party. I may not even go to one. I'll have to ask the judges. Judges please let me know the ruling and I will abide by it. After all it is for the greater good.