Sshh about the genitalia

One thing all people must always remember. Don't talk about genitals in front of your mother! I don't mean to say that you can't call someone a dick. Or a prick. Or a schmuck. Or a putz. Or a weiner. Or a Johnson. Or a cock. Or a pecker. Or a one eyed trouser mouse. Or a baloney pony.
Or . . . well you get the idea.
You can say " I got hit in the nuts" But you can't tell your mother "My nuts were a hit". She just doesn't want to hear that about or from her baby.
You can brag to your friends or a potential date about the size of your manhood, but don't brag to your mother. She'll puke. And don't forget she already knows the truth.
You can tell a friend or your father "My testicles have swollen to the size of grapefruits" They will probably laugh. And maybe even suggest a remedy. But don't tell your mother. She will want to know how your cocktail onions turned into grapefruits, while saying she doesn't want to know.
And as much fun as it may be, please do not tell your mother that you play with your nuts. She definitely doen't want to know that her son can please himself without the possibility of grandchildren. So don't say anything about "spanking the monkey", "flogging the bishop", "beating your meat", "pulling taffy" or my personal eastern european favorite "yanking your yosh".
So no gonad conversations with or in hearing range of your mother. She only wants to think of her son as her innocent little baby.

Winter Blows

I'm cold. I'm really cold! I'm not a winter person. Since I was 10 years old I've been threatening to move somewhere warm, like southern California or Arizona. but definitely not Florida. I don't have any need for the humidity and the hurricanes not to mention alligators in my back yard. I've been to Daytona Beach and the entire town smelled like beer and vomit. I've been to Miami and the whole city smelled like embalming fluid. Who needs to live in Hell's waiting room anyway? But I digress. I was ranting about winter.
Instead of moving to a warmer climate I'll just wait for the warmer climate to come to me. This global warming thing may work out great for me. With the gradual temperature increase I'll have a great winter vacation home in no time. You people driving gas guzzling suv's and pick up trucks are a ton of help in releasing greenhouse gases into the atmosphere and warming me up. The amusing thing about suv's is that in urban areas they are basically useless.Where are you going to go off roading? Your back yard? Watch out for the grill! And for this useless display of oversized gas guzzling steel you get to pay thousands of dollars more than for a more useful energy efficient car or if you need more space a minivan.
Or maybe these drivers are selflessy looking to help those poor little oil companies get by, because they need help. The federal government ruthlessly gave the oil companies only a multi -billion gift to search for oil( under the guise of an "energy policy") when they will obviously need at least double that so we can pay for their new oil refining plants to be built. Since as of now, even if they do find oil, the oil companies don't have the capacity to refine what they find. But again I digress!
Winter sucks! Why can't snow only fall on the grass? Now that would be helpful. Then we could have the beauty of snow without having to shovel. Think of the countless lives that would saved of stubborn middle aged and old aged men who are to stubborn to buy a snow blower and have heart attacks shoveling tons of snow from their driveways and sidewalks. And it's not just the shoveling to worry about. The dreaded invisible ice patch is always lurking. Looking to send the unsuspecting carefree walker flailing clumsily through the frozen air to land heavily on his ass. This will not only send searing pain up one's tailbone, it will make that person the recipient of the roaring laughter of one's family. There will of course be the false look of concern and the obligatory "are you alright" sandwiched between laughs.
And what of the people who like winter sports and think I'm a killjoy? Well nothern Illinois is certainly too flat for skiing, so go on vacation somewhere like Colorado. Same with snow boarding. And if you actually want to cross country ski, get some roller blades and go indoors. If you still insist on cross country skiing outside, go get your head examined, your probably an imbecile. Ice skating can be done indoors. Ice fishing? What guy was so desperate to get away from his wife that he decided to put a 5 foot by 5 foot shack on a frozen lake and saw a hole in the ice and sit there with a six-pack and try to outsmart a fish. If you must ice fish - Go to Minnesota!
And hardly anything can even live in the winter. The plants are all dead and the trees are hideously barren.The birds all leave except the canada goose, who is incredibly noisy and tends to walk out into traffic and cause accidents. Aside from that they make a seemingly endless supply of good old fashioned shit. Apparently geese are designed to defacate their weight in turds every single day! I suppose I should thank the snow for covering it all up every once in a while. But I won't! Snow sucks. Ice sucks. cold sucks.
How about scraping off your car before going to work in the morning? What a treat! And shivering in the car while waiting an eternity for it to heat up. And trying to see through fogged up windows doesn't work , so naturally you must roll down the windows in minus 52 degrees celsius weather to see the other cars.
So please global warming - how about a little help here?

Men - stay out of the delivery room

Throughout history women have had the babies while men have waited outside. It was an arrangement that worked . Women screamed in pain and gave birth and then men passed out cigars. And the human race continued to expand. In recent decades there has been a change that has insidiously taken root and threatens to change birthing and manhood forever. It seems that some unknown woman started a movement that has quickly spread throughout the country. Men had to become sensitive and supportive. First came the Lamaze classes, where husbands and boyfriends learned to say "Breathe honey" and "hoo hoo hoo ". Then it was men in the delivery room with video camera and words of support. let me tell you - there is nothing more useless than a man watching his wife moan and perspire while trying to push a moose through a cat door. After a couple of " you're doing great honey's" the most common response is " Shut the _uck up and get me some _ucking ice chips". And don't give me any of that "It's a beautiful experience to share " crap. There's nothing wonderful about hours of watching your significant other writhing in pain followed by the emergence of your slime covered, ET looking offspring. Men can't share the pain and women can't share the feeling of utter uselessness. It's all just a bunch of hype being spread to convince men that this is what men should do to become sensitive and evolved. But it's all a lie! Nothing is more useless than a husband in a delivery room. Real men should pace in the waiting room until a nurse comes out for them. Then they can pass out cigars (sorry no more lighting up). After that they can go see their wife and new baby and say "you did great honey"

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

With all of the obsession with diet and exercise, I'll probably die from anxiety. It's like a cloud hanging over my head making me wonder about every morsel of food that passes my lips. Everyday it seems there is something new to worry in my food consumption. Now there are trans fats - the new ultimate killer! There used to be just fats and the advice was don't eat too much fat. then you had to worry about satuated fats and now it's trans fats. And of course there is cholesterol. It used to be high or low with low being good. Then there was good cholesterol(hdl) and bad cholesterol(ldl). Good cholesterol needs to be high and bad cholesterol needs to be low. How low? Lower than ever appparently. What was acceptable 2 years ago is too high today. Oh and by the way , bad cholesterol isn't really bad . You still need it, but it has to be in the right proportion to the good cholersterol. Is that all ? NO! How about those carbs? The "scientific community" is just a little bit divided on this subject. One group says "don't eat carbs at all . They make you fat , and lethargic" After all, cave men had little to no carbs and they were very strong. They could kick some modern day man ass any day of the week and they discovered fire. Probably because their brains weren't muddled with too many carbs. The other group says " eat your carbs. at least 40% of your diet should be carbs. Your body needs that quickly accesible energy supply for your brain( in the form of glucose - otherwise known as sugar) and exercise (especially if you are going to run in a marathon). And by the way cave men didn't live very long. Is that all about carbs? NO! Because now there are good and bad carbs. You have to have carbs, but with a low glycemic index, so you don't mess mess up your blood sugar level and become diabetic. Ah, and then there is protein, that builder of muscle. Eat oodles of the stuff. Body builders even consume large amounts of "designer" protein (whatever that is).It is made of amino acids, some of which the body can't produce, so we need to eat the flesh of other animals, many of which taste good. Unless of course you talk to a vegetarian who can tell you how to get your needed proteins without animal meat and thus sparing our adorable animal friends. Like beans, after which I can make the campfire scene from Blazing Saddles seem quiet and dignified. Are we done yet? NO! How about vitamins? Some "experts" say that if you eat a good diet you don't need them. Of course other "experts" say that we never eat a good diet and we need at the very least a multivitamin with 8000% of our our daily minimum requirement. There is much more, but let's talk about the other half of our life enhancing lifestyle - exercise. Should we exercise our bodies? Absolutely! How? How much? I'm glad you asked because we need to get this just right so that in conjunction with our perfect diet we can live healthy acive lives until we check out at the age of 150. Some exercise equipment can of course make you look like hercules in just 20 minutes a day , 3 days a week. Even if you're 97 years old and in bad health. All with only 2386 monthly payments which your estate can pay after you die. Provided of course , you had a lot of life insurance.. Of course "experts" say that 20 minutes a day of raising your heart rate to 80% of maximum is sufficient to be in excellent over all health. I spent 20 minutes opening bills yesterday and raised my heart rate to 800% of maximum , so naturally Iwas able to take the next ten days off. Exercising more is universally said to be more beneficial. So, many people exercise a great deal and in a variety of activities, some of which can be dangerous. And of course the exercise is beneficial to all doctors who perform surgery on various destroyed joints. You know, knee replacements, hip replacements, knee scopes etc. How many couch potatoes do you know that blew out a knee or destroyed some other joint? Seeing these dangers, I decided that to go along with my joint destroying cardio exercise, I would practice yoga rather than use weights or chase younger people up and down a basketball court. When practiced right without attempting to push too hard ( a great weakness of mine) yoga can be refreshing , calming and physically challenging. Sometimes one can get carried away and/or misinterpret a teacher's instructions and get twisted into an unusual position and end up trying to remove one's left testicle from one's right ear without causing too much damage. Or at other times there can be some accidental and loud gas release when in just the right pose. This ,of course, occurs during a pause in the yoga teacher's chosen music when all is deadly quiet and still. When this happens no one laughs, or even looks at you. They are just happy it wasn't them. and hopeful that it won't be odorous. So, you can see that worrying about diet and exercise can make your life a living hell, filled with doubt and confusion as you try to learn and understand the latest and probably innaccurate diet and exercise information. Will all of this help me to live longer? Will it at least help my life be better? Or should I just ignore it all and not worry ? I'm going to think about this over a candy bar. After that I'm going to take a nap.

Mexicans - the true americans

Solving the immigration isn't so hard when you look at it in a different way. First you have to divide this into two separate issues. First is the issue of homeland security/terrorism. This is separate from the actual immigration issue. We probably wouldn't be having this debate at all if it wasn't for the terrorism possibilities. It would be just business as usual. Certainly on this issue we need to be able to control our borders and know who is entering our country at all times. The issue of mexican immigration is where we need drastic change. We spend countless dollars trying to stop the stream of mexican people from entering our country and often the ones we send back simply try again later. Most of the proposals i've heard from politicians involve throwing more dollars at the problem. The solution is to let all mexican people except those with criminal records into the United States and allow them to have work permits. I would still make the path to citizenship just as difficult and lengthy as immigrants from any other country, but our attitude must change towards the mexican people. The mexican people who come here are the very embodiment of the american dream. Many of them risk their very lives just to get here. To come to a place where by the sweat of their brow they can build a better life for themselves and their families. They don't speak english, are discriminated against and live in fear of being caught and sent back. They willingly take the lowest jobs and show immense pride in their work no matter how menial. But they persevere and work their way up. They take jobs bussing tables, cutting lawns, and loading trucks, but after a while they are waiters, landscape company owners and the drivers of the trucks. Their families are important to them and they want to educate their children to acheive more than they do and have productive lives. And they are not taking anyone's jobs away. Those jobs have always been there. All things being equal , business owners would certainly opt for english speaking employees to avoid costly communication problems. But all things are not equal. People here are no longer willing to work hard and work their way up. People here seem to think they have something coming to them and don't want to work. Maybe the people who don't want to work should go to Mexico where there is no work. It would save the rest of us a lot of money not having to support perpetual welfare abusers. When i say perpetual welfare abusers I don't mean people between jobs who go back to work as soon as possible. I mean the people who never work, but still collect with no intent to work. There is no pride and no drive. America needs to be revitalized and this influx of desire from Mexico is just what we need. Just like when our parents, grandparents and great-grandparents came here filled with their own desires and the drive to chase those dreams. Immigration is what made this country great. We need more Mexicans not less.