Team Names

Did you ever stop to think about team names and mascots? At both the college and professional levels there are many names that are fitting. for example the Chicago Bears football team is well named. After all a bear is a huge ferocious beast that is fast and powerful. Perfect name. The Chicago Cubs baseball team is another perfect name. The name stands for a cute, cuddly baby animal that strikes fear into absolutely no opponent. But some names make no sense or are very inappropriate. For these I would like to suggest some alternatives.
I'll start with my Alma Mater, the illustrious University of Illinois Illini or Fighting Illini. For starters naming teams for native Americans is now considered politically incorrect, although Fighting Illini is no where close to Washington Redskins in the disgustingly inappropriate department. Then you have the fact that the Illini weren't even a tribe, but a confederation of a bunch of tribes spread throughout the midwest. It is estimated that the total population was about 2000. How much fighting could 2000 people spread out over 100,000 square miles actually do? So the "Fighting" Illini probably didn't fight much. They also disappeared a long time ago. Now the U of I was founded largely as an agriculture school. It's still a very large part of the university today. In fact when the undergraduate library was built , it had to be built underground so it wouldn't interfere with an experimental corn plot. So, I would like to suggest a much more fitting and worthy name and mascot for U of I.
The Illinois Genetically Modified Corn. GMO Corn for short. Of course the mascot would be an ear of corn. When the football team scores or wins we could have popcorn shooting all over the place. I'm sure Orville Redenbacher (or however the heck you spell that name) would be glad to be a sponsor.
Continuing with Illinois teams, I have to go to the Chicago Fire soccer team. They actually named their team after Chicago's worst tragedy. In 1871 200 people were killed and 70,000 left homeless as Chicago was nearly obliterated. That's the fire Chicago is famous for and no matter what they say is the source of the team name. Great choice. How about the Chicago Arson Cows for the famous cow that legend claims started the fire?
Finally, I saved the Chicago White Sox for the last Chicago team. Named for clothing! The least popular clothing item of them all. Really? For a sports team? What's the matter was jockstraps taken? If you're going to use clothing, how about something classy like the Chicago Tuxedos? Or the Chicago Armani Suits? If you must stay with footwear how about the Chicago Spikes? At least that sounds tougher than the Chicago Flip Flops.
What's even goofier is that there is also a Red Sox franchise. Chicago and Boston must have had a coin flip for the last two names. Chicago lost. Red is much cooler than white for sox. I mean white sox are ubiquitous and boring compared to red. I know these teams were named more than a hundred years ago, but surely there were other options. Maybe Baseball pioneers had some strange foot fetish thing going on.
If you want something more modern for a Chicago team  how about the Chicago Taxation, or the Chicago Ridiculously Over Priced Parking Meters. Or the fearsome, Chicago More Murders Than Afghanistan in 2012. Oh wait that last one could be the new city slogan.

What's in a name

In my previous post, I mentioned a famous actress naming her child Apple, after the giant tech company that dominates the universe. After an enormous amount of feedback (okay, actually no feedback except in my own head, but that doesn't sound as impressive for such a hugely followed blogger like myself) I realized that she (okay it's Gwyneth Paltrow as you may have heard) may actually have named her daughter after a piece of fruit. Possibly so that one day she could say to her daughter "You are the apple of my eye". I've got a degree in biology , but I don't remember apples actually being part of an eye.  I may have missed class that day, or that semester. Anyway I doubt that an apple in your eye would  really be a good thing, but the phrase is generally considered complimentary. The problem is that the name brings an incomplete image to mind and so it needs a descriptive middle name. How about Apple Granny Smith Paltrow?Or maybe Apple Red Not So Delicious Paltrow.( I don't know Gwynee's hubby's name so we will use Paltrow for the last name).
What about Apple Fuji Paltrow? Wait that would need an extra middle name for clarification - Apple Fuji Not To Be Confused With The Photo Paper Company Paltrow.
Being named after a piece of fruit can be lonely, so more people need start naming their children after fruit. One day maybe some fruit named child can say "Oh I can't wait to see uncle Seedless Watermelon for Christmas" or "Look what aunt Ugli fruit gave me for my birthday!" If Grape married Ugli fruit, would their children be grapefruit?
But why stop there? Don't leave out the vegetables. What could be more heartwarming than a vegan couple bringing home their new baby and saying "Tasteless Edamame, meet you new baby sister Krunchy Carrot"? By the way how did you like my clever alternative spelling for crunchy?
Why stop with produce? Prepared foods, meats, cheeses, drinks - all can be good names.  Maybe one day Apple can have a daughter named Appletini.
Maybe one day I will have a grandson named Bagel Dog With Dr. Brown's Wild Cherry.
Now that I think of it Gwyneth may be on to something. Maybe fruit names can replace those overused, stuffy biblical names.

Email source

I got three emails today. Two of them ended by telling me they were sent from an i phone. Do I really need to know that? Who gives a crap?Am I supposed to be impressed?Does Apple really need this kind of marketing? They already account for 22% of the GDP. A famous actress even named her daughter "Apple" (I guess I'm old school. I named my kids "fax machine" and "Windows 95")

Anyway,  I don't care if you sent it from your fancy high tech gadget while on a bullet train to work, drinking your girlie Starbucks drink or from your crummy Pentium three desktop from 1996 complete with 14" CRT monitor, in your basement, drinking nuked three day old coffee.

 Now if you're sending me an email from a nuclear submarine at the bottom of the arctic ocean about to launch world war three at Russia, feel free to brag to me about the source of your email. At the end of that email you can say "this email sent from the bottom of the sea moments before the end of the world". Now that would be impressive.

By the way, definition of a "girlie" Starbucks drink - Any coffee that contains one or more of the following and is purchased by a man: whipped cream, nutmeg, cinnamon, steamed milk, flavored syrup or sprinkles. If you are a girl, it is okay to have a "girlie" drink. Hot chocolate is exempt from this as there is no coffee involved.

If you are a girl , don't be offended by "girlie" drinks. Everyone knows that women are better than men, so men have to be tough and manly.

So, when men get their 200 degree coffee they should forgo the use of sleeves on their cups. Just grab that cup and let your hand sizzle and the flesh will melt just enough to help the cup stick to your hand.

Final note - Paul inspired me to write today.