New Easy to Use Health Program

I  recently lost 27.65 pounds through a disciplined approach to eating and exercising. An accomplishment of which I was proud, but I also felt a bit fatigued by months of effort. So, I took a break. After all what harm could come from a few days of rest, relaxation and gross overeating? Probably nothing, but after 10 weeks of  my break,  I still weighed exactly the same and I felt great. I was baffled, but pleased. What had happened to keep me like this ? Could I have achieved my results without all of the sacrifice? I had to think about this.
  My wife gave me my first clue when she mentioned that lately I had been thrashing around in my sleep at regular intervals. Throwing kicks and punches, stopping for a while and then repeating. Maybe I had restless leg syndrome. Or restless arm and leg syndrome.Or maybe some unexpressed rage. Whatever the catalyst was didn't matter as I realized I was exercising in my sleep!Burning calories, improving my physical conditioning and resting at the same time.
This epiphany(By the way an epiphany is a sudden realization and understanding also commonly referred to as "It hit me like a ton of bricks chocolate covered cherries")lead to my development of the greatest and most pain free weight control and exercise program in the history of mankind(peoplekind? personkind?). All while resting!
I call it -  SLEEPERCISE
This is no fly by night program. I consulted with the world famous husband and wife Chinese doctor team of :doctors Woo Hoo and Otch Hoo. I'm still not sure which was which, but I know Hoo's on first. They are not to be confused with the other famous Doctor Who, who spells his name differently and apparently still flies around the universe in the last remaining phone booth. Why doesn't he get a cell phone and phone home? Well that's two movie and one television reference thrown into one paragraph. How do I do it?
  After minutes of painstaking research we perfected our program which basically changes the "No pain, no gain" mantra into "No pain, no sweat, no diet, no problem"
SLEEPERCISE is now available the public.
I know what you're thinking.
"A world changing program like this is priceless. It must cost thousands of dollars"
"Wrong"
"Hundreds?"
"Nope"
"Nothing?It's free?"
"Sort of"
"What?"
Just think of it as a donation. We don't care about profits. Just donate a measly $20 and we'll share the secrets of SLEEPERCISE with you personally.
Isn't your health and well being and gluttony and laziness worth it?

Paper book vs. ebook - a Detailed Analysis

  I've been reading for about 50 years now. I believe the first book I ever owned was called "The Carrot Seed" and was purchased through a school program. Not long after that I moved on to such classics as "Curious George Rides a Bike" and multiple Dr. Seuss titles. The experience of entering new worlds ,whether fact or fiction, while sitting on a couch or lying in bed at home was a life changing joy. It still is today. 

  In recent years , with the onslaught of ceaseless technological advancements, I have given in to using a kindle to do some of my reading. I have found some features of my kindle to be quite useful and some to be sorely lacking. Here is a scientific analysis of paper books versus ebooks.

1 - Readability.

 My kindle offers a variety of type sizes that can quickly be changed to match my eye condition. Tired at night, I can change to larger type and read with no strain. Probably keeps me from falling asleep (not sure if that's a good or bad thing). If I want more words per page, I can easily change to a smaller size. Regular books have mostly the same size type, although there are now a lot of books with larger type. Still not all books are available with larger type and those that are tend to weigh a ton.Okay, not an actual ton, but enough for a nice hernia.Okay , hernias aren't nice, but substantial.

Advantage - ebook

2 - Portability. 

When traveling, my less than a pound kindle can hold as many books as I want. No wasted suitcase/bag space and no tons of regular books to shlep. If I fall asleep in my lounge chair by the pool , my open paper book covers much more of my face than a kindle, so my traditional book or magazine will do a much better job of protecting my face from sunburn.

Big advantage - ebook

3 - Browsability.

When I read, I often like to go back to other parts of the book. It may be because I've forgotten something, or because I think I've figured something out. Or,if I'm reading non fiction I may want to go to the end and read a footnote from the chapter I'm reading or go back to make sure I understand a concept. With a kindle it can be quite a chore. The "go to" menu isn't very useful. I mean how do I know what location I want to go to unless I've memorized all 27,065 of them on the way? In my regular book, I can fan the pages and quickly find what I want and then return to my place, or I may say "I think  it was 4 or 5 pages back" and get there easily. Most of the ebooks I've read did not have page numbers, so how many swipes is 4 or 5 pages?

Huge advantage - paper book

4 - Page turnability.

You wouldn't think that page turning contributes to the reading experience, but painstaking research indicates that it actually does. Page turning with a kindle can be done with either a right to left swipe or a tap on the right side of the page. Basically a simple operation although an angled swipe can send you forward or backward a chapter and a misplaced tap can send you back a page. With a paper book, however, actually feeling the paper texture as you turn the page is quite satisfying.Your sense of touch appears to activate more neurons in the brain, creating a better experience and more complete memory.(Normally a claim like this would have a footnote , but here is my footnote "Because I said so and you'll just have to take my word for it.Also, no mice were electrically shocked for proof.Possibly a few people, but no cute little mice.") Also the sound of page turning is surprisingly enjoyable, giving your completion of that page a certain finality. Even the smell of a book can be intoxicating. Or maybe I'm just sniffing the glue in the binding. Will that make me a book addict?Does that make my mind a terrible thing to waste or just terribly wasted?I guess that will be my next research project.

Surprisingly huge advantage - paper book

5 - Extras.

In this world of software bloat, you can darn well expect and receive extra functions that three people in a survey of 2,000,000 said everyone will want. My kindle is no different.Several of these are sharing, rating,reading progress, and note taking.  First of all - note taking. I can write in the margins of my paper book easier than I can in a kindle. If I was a college student I could use my yellow highlighter and highlight 92% of my book erroneously expecting that it would enhance my understanding of "Ulysses", because of course it makes no sense. Hey, if you write a book that requires an entire semester course to understand , then you have failed as a writer, but succeeded as a pompous, egotistical  asshole. But then who am I to say as I have never written a 1253 page book that got its own semester course at a major university.But, I digress. Next is reading progress. Do I really need to know that I will be done with my book in 17 hours and 43 minutes?That may actually be depressing if I find out that my neighbor's six year old read it in 3 hours and 11 minutes. Next up is sharing. If I want to share, I'll join a book club and actually converse with people face to face.But I probably won't as I really don't care how Maxine Shlempklumper interprets the imagery in " Kool Kens Magical Kabbalah Journey to the Center of the Milky Way and Back Again". Last of all is rating/reviews. Ratings and reviews are without a doubt the worst internet function ever created! Not just for books , but for everything. People think that reading all 12,000 reviews for something is research, so they'll spend 91 hours reading reviews to decide if they will buy a $20 dollar item. And after all of that "research" they might still be undecided. Stop wasting your time and buy the damn thing. You can probably return it if you don't like it anyway. And who are these reviewers? Some may be the most brilliant analytical thinkers, but some may eat their own boogers. I don't know them, so why should  I want their opinion? I'd rather ask someone I know like my wife , son, parent, or friend.

 All in all, the extras category earns the kindle the "3rd Testicle Award". A 3rd testicle being something that no one needs.

Humongous advantage - paper books

Conclusion.

Ebooks are inferior to paper books in the overall reading experience. Unlike other technological advances that enhance our lives, ebooks really add nothing. So, get up, go to the library, get a book, crack a binding and enjoy.

Rating system explanation.

Advantage = Okay it's a little better

Big Advantage = A little more than an "Advantage". Like putting in one more squirt of chocolate syrup when making chocolate milk.

Huge Advantage = Way more than a "Big Advantage". We almost called it "A Really, Really Big Advantage"

Surprisingly Huge Advantage = Not only a Huge Advantage, but the scientific community was surprised by the data. Since we were surprised , we figured you would like to know about it.

Humongous Advantage = This is the biggie. This is like an NBA team playing against a team of blind, handless people. No contest!Slam dunk! And no, we're not prejudiced against the blind and handless, they just suck at basketball. It's a fact.