Get a bike

Like many, I have tried many types of exercise, exercise equipment and gyms. None ever worked for long. Not because I didn't want to be a super fit , studly looking guy , but because exercise is BORING and often PAINFUL.After a while you come up with excuses to do shorter sessions and then skip them all together. Or a minor injury can set you back a couple of weeks and then you just lose interest. In my forties I even tried yoga. My reasoning being what could be more fun than going into a 95 degree room with a bunch of mostly younger women and  twisting yourself into a pretzel while trying not to pass gas?Alas for me, yoga too did pass.

  So what was I to do? Now past 50 and getting - pick your favorite adjective - puffy, meaty, paunchy, fleshy, pudgy. I was actually starting to look like pictures of my grandfather!Admittedly a handsome guy, but he passed away very young. Maybe a partner would help, like Sharon - pick your favorite noun - spouse, better half, partner, wife. What could we do together? I knew a lot of people had taken up bike riding in recent years and it seemed pretty safe(hah! Tell that to my knees) to me. Not wanting a poor quality bike or to spend a boatload of money, I found and emailed several nearby bike shops about buying good used bikes. It was January of 2013 leaving me plenty of time to weigh options. Only one of them answered me. No, they did not sell used bikes , but did have a tent sale every spring they informed me.Since they were courteous enough to answer, I figured they would be good to deal with. So , at the end of April 2013 I headed to Deerfield Cyclery.  
  About a thousand bucks later, we had two hybrid bikes, two helmets, two water bottles, two cages, two kickstands and one basket tossed in for free (for Sharon). 
  Now for the fun part that I envisioned. Riding dozens of miles together on perfect windless, cloudless, 72 degree days. Instead for May and June of 2013 it basically rained every day. Finally a nice day came and after work I leaped onto my bicycle determined to go on a lengthy ride. Three miles later I stopped , gasping for breath and with unexpected  pain in various parts of my body.Still, I wouldn't be beaten so easily and soon got back in(on?) the saddle. And again and again. Three miles became four, then five, then six. Finally one weekend I made it to double digit miles. Now I was hooked. Somehow being outside in the elements, with only my own thoughts made riding more than exercise. Yes there is the challenge of going a little farther or a little faster. Or conquering a slight elevation like it was a steep mountain grade(yes there are tons of mountain roads in northeast Illinois) in the Tour de France. But finally - exercise that I enjoyed. By October I had lost 25 pounds (a typical success story for many new overweight riders) and gone on a 25 mile ride. Not far for many riders, but a big achievement for me.
This led to new goals, such as learning to fall gracefully after "clipping in" for the first time (or two times.Okay three times). Learning the difference between a seat post, seat tube and seat stay. Apparently bike riding is far more complex than when I was a kid. Today degrees or at least advanced knowledge of engineering, technology, nutrition, biomechanics, etc. are required. The learning curve is steep, but unlike my younger days I am now a good student.
Science and fatigue aside, there's nothing like a nice day for a ride on the Des Plaines river trail or the North Branch trail to enjoy yourself and forget your troubles. So get a bike and ride. Contact me if you like. I can use some company.
  

Einstein's a Chicken

For as long as I can remember, people who commit cowardly acts or run away from a fight have been called "Chicken". Most likely this stems from rural homes and small farms where chickens were raised and often would grabbed from the coop by a family member, beheaded and prepared for dinner. When some one would come,  the chickens would run wild to get away and avoid death. Now I've read that a chicken has an IQ of about 6-7, but running from certain death seems more intelligent than standing your ground in a fight you're certain to lose.
I mean imagine that your hanging around in your back yard having a beer and some nuts when suddenly you see some giant creature 50 times your size coming at you with a giant axe and looking hungry. You also remember last week when the same creature came and grabbed your next door neighbor by the throat, chopped his head off, laughed and left with him saying "mmm, mmm, mmm you'll fry up nicely". What would yo do? Break your beer bottle and say "Come and get some of this!"? Or would you run like hell and maybe live?
In 1856 in Crimea, the Light brigade charged and were slaughtered. For this they were immortalized in poem. Had they been smart enough to run away, they may have lived to fight another day.
Had Napoleon been as smart as a chicken, he would have run away from Russia and 500, 000 French deaths would have been averted.
So, it seems to me that being a chicken is a good thing and chickens are actually geniuses. Move over Einstein.

Big Bucks

I just realized that I have an Ad sense account. SO, I just checked and found that after six years and 48 posts, I have amassed 50 Cents! That's right half a buck! If I round up it's actually an entire dollar. Now I get this internet advertising revenue thing. I write stuff. You read stuff. You click on seductive ads and go to websites that sell you stuff. The company sends Google $500 (about) just for the click and Google gives me a penny. At least they will when I have accumulated $10, which will be in about 117 more years.
UNLESS, I blog everyday and you click on all of the ads to buy stuff. Then it's Cha-Ching and early retirement for me.
SO , what are you waiting for?

Big Questions

Does Facebook have a Facebook page?
Would Wikipedia have the answer?
Has the internet made hypothetical questions obsolete?
If so, then why should we bother to ask questions?
And if we don't bother to ask the questions, why do we need the internet?
Maybe I'll ask my smart phone.

Team Names

Did you ever stop to think about team names and mascots? At both the college and professional levels there are many names that are fitting. for example the Chicago Bears football team is well named. After all a bear is a huge ferocious beast that is fast and powerful. Perfect name. The Chicago Cubs baseball team is another perfect name. The name stands for a cute, cuddly baby animal that strikes fear into absolutely no opponent. But some names make no sense or are very inappropriate. For these I would like to suggest some alternatives.
I'll start with my Alma Mater, the illustrious University of Illinois Illini or Fighting Illini. For starters naming teams for native Americans is now considered politically incorrect, although Fighting Illini is no where close to Washington Redskins in the disgustingly inappropriate department. Then you have the fact that the Illini weren't even a tribe, but a confederation of a bunch of tribes spread throughout the midwest. It is estimated that the total population was about 2000. How much fighting could 2000 people spread out over 100,000 square miles actually do? So the "Fighting" Illini probably didn't fight much. They also disappeared a long time ago. Now the U of I was founded largely as an agriculture school. It's still a very large part of the university today. In fact when the undergraduate library was built , it had to be built underground so it wouldn't interfere with an experimental corn plot. So, I would like to suggest a much more fitting and worthy name and mascot for U of I.
The Illinois Genetically Modified Corn. GMO Corn for short. Of course the mascot would be an ear of corn. When the football team scores or wins we could have popcorn shooting all over the place. I'm sure Orville Redenbacher (or however the heck you spell that name) would be glad to be a sponsor.
Continuing with Illinois teams, I have to go to the Chicago Fire soccer team. They actually named their team after Chicago's worst tragedy. In 1871 200 people were killed and 70,000 left homeless as Chicago was nearly obliterated. That's the fire Chicago is famous for and no matter what they say is the source of the team name. Great choice. How about the Chicago Arson Cows for the famous cow that legend claims started the fire?
Finally, I saved the Chicago White Sox for the last Chicago team. Named for clothing! The least popular clothing item of them all. Really? For a sports team? What's the matter was jockstraps taken? If you're going to use clothing, how about something classy like the Chicago Tuxedos? Or the Chicago Armani Suits? If you must stay with footwear how about the Chicago Spikes? At least that sounds tougher than the Chicago Flip Flops.
What's even goofier is that there is also a Red Sox franchise. Chicago and Boston must have had a coin flip for the last two names. Chicago lost. Red is much cooler than white for sox. I mean white sox are ubiquitous and boring compared to red. I know these teams were named more than a hundred years ago, but surely there were other options. Maybe Baseball pioneers had some strange foot fetish thing going on.
If you want something more modern for a Chicago team  how about the Chicago Taxation, or the Chicago Ridiculously Over Priced Parking Meters. Or the fearsome, Chicago More Murders Than Afghanistan in 2012. Oh wait that last one could be the new city slogan.

What's in a name

In my previous post, I mentioned a famous actress naming her child Apple, after the giant tech company that dominates the universe. After an enormous amount of feedback (okay, actually no feedback except in my own head, but that doesn't sound as impressive for such a hugely followed blogger like myself) I realized that she (okay it's Gwyneth Paltrow as you may have heard) may actually have named her daughter after a piece of fruit. Possibly so that one day she could say to her daughter "You are the apple of my eye". I've got a degree in biology , but I don't remember apples actually being part of an eye.  I may have missed class that day, or that semester. Anyway I doubt that an apple in your eye would  really be a good thing, but the phrase is generally considered complimentary. The problem is that the name brings an incomplete image to mind and so it needs a descriptive middle name. How about Apple Granny Smith Paltrow?Or maybe Apple Red Not So Delicious Paltrow.( I don't know Gwynee's hubby's name so we will use Paltrow for the last name).
What about Apple Fuji Paltrow? Wait that would need an extra middle name for clarification - Apple Fuji Not To Be Confused With The Photo Paper Company Paltrow.
Being named after a piece of fruit can be lonely, so more people need start naming their children after fruit. One day maybe some fruit named child can say "Oh I can't wait to see uncle Seedless Watermelon for Christmas" or "Look what aunt Ugli fruit gave me for my birthday!" If Grape married Ugli fruit, would their children be grapefruit?
But why stop there? Don't leave out the vegetables. What could be more heartwarming than a vegan couple bringing home their new baby and saying "Tasteless Edamame, meet you new baby sister Krunchy Carrot"? By the way how did you like my clever alternative spelling for crunchy?
Why stop with produce? Prepared foods, meats, cheeses, drinks - all can be good names.  Maybe one day Apple can have a daughter named Appletini.
Maybe one day I will have a grandson named Bagel Dog With Dr. Brown's Wild Cherry.
Now that I think of it Gwyneth may be on to something. Maybe fruit names can replace those overused, stuffy biblical names.

Email source

I got three emails today. Two of them ended by telling me they were sent from an i phone. Do I really need to know that? Who gives a crap?Am I supposed to be impressed?Does Apple really need this kind of marketing? They already account for 22% of the GDP. A famous actress even named her daughter "Apple" (I guess I'm old school. I named my kids "fax machine" and "Windows 95")

Anyway,  I don't care if you sent it from your fancy high tech gadget while on a bullet train to work, drinking your girlie Starbucks drink or from your crummy Pentium three desktop from 1996 complete with 14" CRT monitor, in your basement, drinking nuked three day old coffee.

 Now if you're sending me an email from a nuclear submarine at the bottom of the arctic ocean about to launch world war three at Russia, feel free to brag to me about the source of your email. At the end of that email you can say "this email sent from the bottom of the sea moments before the end of the world". Now that would be impressive.

By the way, definition of a "girlie" Starbucks drink - Any coffee that contains one or more of the following and is purchased by a man: whipped cream, nutmeg, cinnamon, steamed milk, flavored syrup or sprinkles. If you are a girl, it is okay to have a "girlie" drink. Hot chocolate is exempt from this as there is no coffee involved.

If you are a girl , don't be offended by "girlie" drinks. Everyone knows that women are better than men, so men have to be tough and manly.

So, when men get their 200 degree coffee they should forgo the use of sleeves on their cups. Just grab that cup and let your hand sizzle and the flesh will melt just enough to help the cup stick to your hand.

Final note - Paul inspired me to write today.