Proximity Theory

I enjoyed watching Sarah Palin on TV the other day explain why she is such an expert on foreign policy. The explanation being that her state of Alaska borders on Russia and Canada so naturally she has extra insight into those countries and complete understanding of their issues. I've never heard of proximity being used to explain expertise. Perhaps if we continue along this mode of thinking we will see that since there are many streams and woods and mountains in Alaska that Sarah Palin is the perfect candidate to run the national park system. Since she resides close to so many moose (mooses? meese?) and polar bears she is qualified to run the zoo in Washingon DC. And why stop there? With all of the snow and cold she also should be a shoo in to run the national refrigeration council. And what about all of the ice? Certainly she is superior in ice cube making to those in the lower 48. And this ,of course, will make her top of the line in making martinis! And naturally this makes her the logical choice to run the bureau of Alcohol, tobacco and firearms. Alaska has a very lengthy coastline which gives Sarah a vast knowledge of marine biology. That could certainly put her in the running to head the EPA. Her renowned ability to build the "bridge to nowhere" makes her the best choice to head the army corp of engineers. You know it seems that in addition to being vice president, Sarah is qualified to fill every cabinet post.
Just imagine , Sarah Palin could be just one "old fart stroke" away from being president of the United States.
This ridiculous proximity theory of expertise can be applied to everyone. For example, by this method, a 7/11 clerk in Washington, DC by his close proximity to the senate, congress and all the political support staff can be just as effective a president as George Bush! . . . Oh, wait a minute!

I think I will use this theory to run for president.
I live in Buffalo Grove, Illinois. That means I live within 5 miles of about 10,000 Russians, so I'm way up on Palin in foreign policy. As a matter of fact I live within 40 miles of enough different ethnic groups to make me secretary general of the United nations. I rarely spend more than I earn, so my fiscal policy will be sound. I go to the botannical gardens in Glencoe, Illinois several times per year so I will have an intelligent agricultural agenda. I won a fight when I was 12, so I'll be good at defending our country. I'm sure I can beat the crap out of the that North Korean guy. Probably that squirrelly looking Iranian guy too. Putin could be tough - he looks like a biter. I've been to a doctor and I've paid 1000 times what someone in another country pays for prescriptions, so I'm certain that I can fix our health care system and maybe get a teeny discount on pharmaceuticals for medicaid. I can go on at length, but by now you should get the picture. I'm the best candidate for president! So write me in on your ballots. If we don't take 2008, we can at least build some momentum for 2012.