Proximity Theory

I enjoyed watching Sarah Palin on TV the other day explain why she is such an expert on foreign policy. The explanation being that her state of Alaska borders on Russia and Canada so naturally she has extra insight into those countries and complete understanding of their issues. I've never heard of proximity being used to explain expertise. Perhaps if we continue along this mode of thinking we will see that since there are many streams and woods and mountains in Alaska that Sarah Palin is the perfect candidate to run the national park system. Since she resides close to so many moose (mooses? meese?) and polar bears she is qualified to run the zoo in Washingon DC. And why stop there? With all of the snow and cold she also should be a shoo in to run the national refrigeration council. And what about all of the ice? Certainly she is superior in ice cube making to those in the lower 48. And this ,of course, will make her top of the line in making martinis! And naturally this makes her the logical choice to run the bureau of Alcohol, tobacco and firearms. Alaska has a very lengthy coastline which gives Sarah a vast knowledge of marine biology. That could certainly put her in the running to head the EPA. Her renowned ability to build the "bridge to nowhere" makes her the best choice to head the army corp of engineers. You know it seems that in addition to being vice president, Sarah is qualified to fill every cabinet post.
Just imagine , Sarah Palin could be just one "old fart stroke" away from being president of the United States.
This ridiculous proximity theory of expertise can be applied to everyone. For example, by this method, a 7/11 clerk in Washington, DC by his close proximity to the senate, congress and all the political support staff can be just as effective a president as George Bush! . . . Oh, wait a minute!

I think I will use this theory to run for president.
I live in Buffalo Grove, Illinois. That means I live within 5 miles of about 10,000 Russians, so I'm way up on Palin in foreign policy. As a matter of fact I live within 40 miles of enough different ethnic groups to make me secretary general of the United nations. I rarely spend more than I earn, so my fiscal policy will be sound. I go to the botannical gardens in Glencoe, Illinois several times per year so I will have an intelligent agricultural agenda. I won a fight when I was 12, so I'll be good at defending our country. I'm sure I can beat the crap out of the that North Korean guy. Probably that squirrelly looking Iranian guy too. Putin could be tough - he looks like a biter. I've been to a doctor and I've paid 1000 times what someone in another country pays for prescriptions, so I'm certain that I can fix our health care system and maybe get a teeny discount on pharmaceuticals for medicaid. I can go on at length, but by now you should get the picture. I'm the best candidate for president! So write me in on your ballots. If we don't take 2008, we can at least build some momentum for 2012.

The Shmotte

I put on my second sock and felt the telltale coolness on my heel. Yes, I had a hole in my sock. I pulled off my mutilated sock while simultaneously scanning the room for the primary use for a torn sock.
"Ah, the TV - perfect!"I walked over and carefully dusted the TV.Now that my sock had successfully fulfilled its secondary purpose of being a shmotte, I was able to throw it into the garbage can.
But was I done being thrifty? No! I took off the good sock and put it in the section of my drawer reserved for spare socks. Yes, I thought,because one day another sock of the same type will develop a hole and I will be able to make a pair with my saved sock and the newly widowed sock. Oh how clever!
The conversion of each type of undergarment into a useful shmotte is a time honored tradition. Torn undershorts are also good for dusting. Since they have more material than a sock (I'm not counting thongs) you can do more extensive dusting - maybe even get out the can of lemon pledge. Like the sock, undershorts are normally a one usage shmotte due to their (usually) small size.
The tee shirt is another matter. Its size allows it to be a multi usage shmotte. You can clean the sink, wipe out a tub or even use it to wash your car. The big question is whether or not to wash and reuse it. You must be careful after washing to keep it in the shmotte bucket and not accidentally return it to the wardrobe.
So here you have the shmotte web of life explained.
Or is it shmatte? Or shmotty? Or schmatte?

Shoe porn?

Recently Sharon(Sharon is wode piao liang taitai.Go look that one up.) and I were watching TV. Commercials came on and realizing that I could not fast forward because we were watching live and not DVR, I picked up the newspaper. A shoe commercial came on for DSW and suddenly I heard "oohs!" and "ahs!" and "oh how cute's!". As a dutiful husband I lent my support with a couple of appropriately timed "mmhmms", while continuing my reading. I learned this technique from a psychiatrist who told me "A couple of well placed mmhmms makes a patient think that I'm listening and that I care, when I've actually already written a prescription and am deciding where to go for dinner".
Anyway, Sharon turned to me and said "You don't understand - this is my porn"!
I had to think about this for a while. The analogy was interesting. It seems that shoes are to women as boobs are to men!
After a little more thinking, I must say it doesn't seem fair to men. After all shoes get to be on the outside.

No end in sight

Some time back I urged everyone to see the movie "No end in sight". Now Zax has found a free site to watch documentaries.
Here is a link to "No end in sight".

http://freedocumentaries.org/film.php?id=184

Well, what are you waiting for? Go watch it!

Retirement funding

A new thought on the illegal alien issue. A huge portion of illegals get work by purchasing fake social security numbers to show to employers. These millions of workers then get jobs and pay their FICA of 7.65%. This is then matched by their employers. These illegals will never be able to collect social security, but they pay in how many hundreds of millions of dollars(or billions of dollars or tens of billions of dollars) each and every year? So what happens to all of the money streaming into social security system? Cha-ching! It goes to retiring american citizens. This is quite a contribution to our social security system that many fear will fail in the coming decades. Just another facet to this complex issue. One that I don't think anyone else has thought about.
In the meantime with this retirement windfall , I feel secure enough to buy myself a beach house.
In Baja , Mexico.

Solving the immigration issue

During the past year there has been a great deal of debate on what to do about illegal immigration to this country primarily from Mexico.
Proposals have ranged from "Round 'em up and throw them out" to "make 'em pay $5000 to become citizens(yeah a lot of illegal immigrants making minimum wage will be able to plunk down that kind of cash). None of the proposals can make everyone happy. With this in mind I have come up with a new plan that should satisfy all americans.
Fact - nearly all local and state governments as well as our federal government have spent vast sums of money making the United States nearly bilingual. Everyone calling a large company or government agency has heard this "Para Espanol press numero dos". And Spanish is a very easy language to learn.
Fact - more than 13% of our population is Mexican
Solution - Make Mexico part of the United States. Think of all the land and resources that could be developed with US money from both business and the government.
Think of the billions of dollars saved by not having to guard borders. Now our borders would extend to central america. The rest of our borders would be water. It would certainly be easier to patrol the tiny border with central america than the entire southwest USA.
I think most mexicans would welcome the opportunity to become part of the USA.
What do you think?

Hey Brainiac - get Brainetics

Everyone should go to www.brainetics.tv and order this item. Whether you get it for your child or yourself it's amazing exercise for your brain. You can develop math skills you could never imagine you were capable of achieving. It also seems to help memory and critical thinking and it's also a lot of fun.
The creator, Mike Byster, is a truly remarkable person. He has gone to countless classrooms to teach and motivate students to learn math skills (at no charge).
I've known Mike for more than half of my life and he genuinely cares about having a positive impact on people's lives.
And just so you all know, I'm not telling you this for any personal gain. I haven't even gotten a discount on Brainetics for myself and we were college roomates. Six of us lived in an old house together at 59 E. Chalmers in Champaign, IL and I distinctly remember him telling me that I was his seventh favorite roomate (after axelwoman). You would think that would count for something.
Seriously though, I don't believe you will ever find another product that will enhance your life or your child's life as positively as this intelligent and fun set of DVD's.
So go to www.brainetics.tv and see what I'm talking about.