Stupid signs

I believe it was 1975 when the state of Illinois passed a law allowing cars to turn right at red lights. Very soon after signs began appearing at many intersections that said "no right turn on red" Okay, I can understand that some busy , high speed intersections can be dangerous. But soon after that other signs began appearing underneath the "no right turn on red" signs. In smaller print these new signs said "When pedestrians are present" Hey , I think that is already a main rule of the road.
They actually teach that in Driver's Ed. In the book it expressly says "Don't maim or kill pedestrians. It's really, really bad". Not only shouldn't you run over people while turning right, but also when turning left, going straight, backing up and even when parking.
Do we really need signs that tell you not to do something and then tell you that , yes it's okay to do something, unless of course you shouldn't because you may violate a law. And you don't want to break a law.
And that's not the only sign under the "no right turn on red". You may come across this sign underneath the "No right turn on red" sign:
"On school days when children are present"
Recently, I was horrified at running over a child during a turn. I quickly jammed on my brakes in the middle of traffic and pulled out my calender. Boy, was I relieved to find that it was Martin Luther King day and there was no school that day. I drove away feeling pleased at having taught that child an important lesson. I'm sure he won't be trying to cross a street again on a non-school day!
How about this poetic gem? "Click it or Ticket" Not click it because we're concerned for your safety. No. Just do it or pay! That's right, just because we said so.

Or one of my favorites "Buckle up. It's the law" Hey , thanks for the heads up. Got any other laws you can inform me about? How about a sign that says "No drive by shootings. It's the law" or isn't that important enough to remind people? or maybe "No prostitutes from here to corner unless you pay off local cop. It's the unwritten law"

My all time favorite is this one: "Don't drive drunk" Can this possibly work?Isn't it a little late? If a drunk is driving will he be able to read it without crashing into it? Or will the drunk say "Holy crap, It says not to do this. I better pull into a parking lot and sleep it off" I know what you're saying. The sign is for people who are not drunk yet! Well I'm not sure how many people get their legal and moral education by reading road signs, but my guess is somewhere less than one. And what would that be like? Would some woman about to have her 5th mojito say " I saw a sign before that said not to drink and drive, so forget that drink. I'm stopping now"

And "don't drive drunk" unfairly excludes driving after other impairments.
How about "no driving after taking crack cocaine" or "no driving after abusing prescription drugs"? Or " Don't drive while blind" Or "Don't let your monkey drive"?

There are getting to be so many signs that we are running out of space. So, I have developed the combo sign. Now each sign can have multiple messages. Here are some examples:
"Don't kill, but adopt a stray puppy"
"Don't steal - use birth control"
"Don't commit armed robbery and don't litter"
" Be an Illinois governor and be honest"
I think I would like to own the sign contract with the state of Illinios

Bought and paid for

Stopping corruption in our government could very well be the most important issue of our time.
The power of Lobbying and the money they spread is hard to contain.
One possible solution involves allowing them to deal out as much money as they desire, but control the congress and senate.
When a judge finds that he/she has a personal connection in a case then he/she must recuse themself from the case.
Since campaign contributions must be accounted for it is easy see which office holders have received donations from which lobbies.
When a bill comes up for a vote, the senators or congresspersons who received donations from a lobby directly affected by said bill must recuse themselves from voting on the bill.
This way a lobby gets to plead their case, but not influence the outcome with money, but only the soundness of their arguement.
There should also be a limit on how many times each year that a senator or congressman may recuse themselves without penalty.
Possibly if they recuse themselves in more than 5% of the bills voted on each year, they should be fired from their position and lose their pension. The reason being, that if they are receiving that many campaign donations, then they are in business for themselves rather than taking care of constituents business and doing what they are elected to do.

New dessert

As a foodaholic, I've decided to create some new desserts. First up is my new creation - Donut pie.
By combining the fried, artery clogging goodness of donuts with the diabetic coma inducing sweetness of pie I believe this new creation will send the culinary world screaming with joy.
As with great wine and food pairings, the proper donut - pie pairing is essential for the perfect dessert experience. For example a Rhubarb pie and chocolate cake donut combo could be vomit inducing, which could be fun if you feed it to your drunk friend at 3:00 in the morning, but certainly wouldn't be taste bud pleasing . For the delicate flavor of rhubarb you need a strawberry jelly donut.
Other pairings I have devised include:

Peanut donut crumbled atop pecan pie

Blueberry donut on blueberry pie

For those who need a little fiber I have a bran muffin - banana cream pie

Boston cream donut with boston cream pie.

For the traditionalist I have a pairing of buttermilk donut and apple pie

and for the unusual we have toasted coconut donuts with sweet potato pie.

By the way , I love sweet potato pie and will gladly eat any you wish to send to me. It's extremely difficult to find sweet potato pie anywhere.

Well, what are you waiting for? Go to the bakery and the donut shop and try some donut pie. You know you want to.
Let me know your favorite pairing.

Proximity Theory

I enjoyed watching Sarah Palin on TV the other day explain why she is such an expert on foreign policy. The explanation being that her state of Alaska borders on Russia and Canada so naturally she has extra insight into those countries and complete understanding of their issues. I've never heard of proximity being used to explain expertise. Perhaps if we continue along this mode of thinking we will see that since there are many streams and woods and mountains in Alaska that Sarah Palin is the perfect candidate to run the national park system. Since she resides close to so many moose (mooses? meese?) and polar bears she is qualified to run the zoo in Washingon DC. And why stop there? With all of the snow and cold she also should be a shoo in to run the national refrigeration council. And what about all of the ice? Certainly she is superior in ice cube making to those in the lower 48. And this ,of course, will make her top of the line in making martinis! And naturally this makes her the logical choice to run the bureau of Alcohol, tobacco and firearms. Alaska has a very lengthy coastline which gives Sarah a vast knowledge of marine biology. That could certainly put her in the running to head the EPA. Her renowned ability to build the "bridge to nowhere" makes her the best choice to head the army corp of engineers. You know it seems that in addition to being vice president, Sarah is qualified to fill every cabinet post.
Just imagine , Sarah Palin could be just one "old fart stroke" away from being president of the United States.
This ridiculous proximity theory of expertise can be applied to everyone. For example, by this method, a 7/11 clerk in Washington, DC by his close proximity to the senate, congress and all the political support staff can be just as effective a president as George Bush! . . . Oh, wait a minute!

I think I will use this theory to run for president.
I live in Buffalo Grove, Illinois. That means I live within 5 miles of about 10,000 Russians, so I'm way up on Palin in foreign policy. As a matter of fact I live within 40 miles of enough different ethnic groups to make me secretary general of the United nations. I rarely spend more than I earn, so my fiscal policy will be sound. I go to the botannical gardens in Glencoe, Illinois several times per year so I will have an intelligent agricultural agenda. I won a fight when I was 12, so I'll be good at defending our country. I'm sure I can beat the crap out of the that North Korean guy. Probably that squirrelly looking Iranian guy too. Putin could be tough - he looks like a biter. I've been to a doctor and I've paid 1000 times what someone in another country pays for prescriptions, so I'm certain that I can fix our health care system and maybe get a teeny discount on pharmaceuticals for medicaid. I can go on at length, but by now you should get the picture. I'm the best candidate for president! So write me in on your ballots. If we don't take 2008, we can at least build some momentum for 2012.

The Shmotte

I put on my second sock and felt the telltale coolness on my heel. Yes, I had a hole in my sock. I pulled off my mutilated sock while simultaneously scanning the room for the primary use for a torn sock.
"Ah, the TV - perfect!"I walked over and carefully dusted the TV.Now that my sock had successfully fulfilled its secondary purpose of being a shmotte, I was able to throw it into the garbage can.
But was I done being thrifty? No! I took off the good sock and put it in the section of my drawer reserved for spare socks. Yes, I thought,because one day another sock of the same type will develop a hole and I will be able to make a pair with my saved sock and the newly widowed sock. Oh how clever!
The conversion of each type of undergarment into a useful shmotte is a time honored tradition. Torn undershorts are also good for dusting. Since they have more material than a sock (I'm not counting thongs) you can do more extensive dusting - maybe even get out the can of lemon pledge. Like the sock, undershorts are normally a one usage shmotte due to their (usually) small size.
The tee shirt is another matter. Its size allows it to be a multi usage shmotte. You can clean the sink, wipe out a tub or even use it to wash your car. The big question is whether or not to wash and reuse it. You must be careful after washing to keep it in the shmotte bucket and not accidentally return it to the wardrobe.
So here you have the shmotte web of life explained.
Or is it shmatte? Or shmotty? Or schmatte?

Shoe porn?

Recently Sharon(Sharon is wode piao liang taitai.Go look that one up.) and I were watching TV. Commercials came on and realizing that I could not fast forward because we were watching live and not DVR, I picked up the newspaper. A shoe commercial came on for DSW and suddenly I heard "oohs!" and "ahs!" and "oh how cute's!". As a dutiful husband I lent my support with a couple of appropriately timed "mmhmms", while continuing my reading. I learned this technique from a psychiatrist who told me "A couple of well placed mmhmms makes a patient think that I'm listening and that I care, when I've actually already written a prescription and am deciding where to go for dinner".
Anyway, Sharon turned to me and said "You don't understand - this is my porn"!
I had to think about this for a while. The analogy was interesting. It seems that shoes are to women as boobs are to men!
After a little more thinking, I must say it doesn't seem fair to men. After all shoes get to be on the outside.

No end in sight

Some time back I urged everyone to see the movie "No end in sight". Now Zax has found a free site to watch documentaries.
Here is a link to "No end in sight".

http://freedocumentaries.org/film.php?id=184

Well, what are you waiting for? Go watch it!