Team Names

Did you ever stop to think about team names and mascots? At both the college and professional levels there are many names that are fitting. for example the Chicago Bears football team is well named. After all a bear is a huge ferocious beast that is fast and powerful. Perfect name. The Chicago Cubs baseball team is another perfect name. The name stands for a cute, cuddly baby animal that strikes fear into absolutely no opponent. But some names make no sense or are very inappropriate. For these I would like to suggest some alternatives.
I'll start with my Alma Mater, the illustrious University of Illinois Illini or Fighting Illini. For starters naming teams for native Americans is now considered politically incorrect, although Fighting Illini is no where close to Washington Redskins in the disgustingly inappropriate department. Then you have the fact that the Illini weren't even a tribe, but a confederation of a bunch of tribes spread throughout the midwest. It is estimated that the total population was about 2000. How much fighting could 2000 people spread out over 100,000 square miles actually do? So the "Fighting" Illini probably didn't fight much. They also disappeared a long time ago. Now the U of I was founded largely as an agriculture school. It's still a very large part of the university today. In fact when the undergraduate library was built , it had to be built underground so it wouldn't interfere with an experimental corn plot. So, I would like to suggest a much more fitting and worthy name and mascot for U of I.
The Illinois Genetically Modified Corn. GMO Corn for short. Of course the mascot would be an ear of corn. When the football team scores or wins we could have popcorn shooting all over the place. I'm sure Orville Redenbacher (or however the heck you spell that name) would be glad to be a sponsor.
Continuing with Illinois teams, I have to go to the Chicago Fire soccer team. They actually named their team after Chicago's worst tragedy. In 1871 200 people were killed and 70,000 left homeless as Chicago was nearly obliterated. That's the fire Chicago is famous for and no matter what they say is the source of the team name. Great choice. How about the Chicago Arson Cows for the famous cow that legend claims started the fire?
Finally, I saved the Chicago White Sox for the last Chicago team. Named for clothing! The least popular clothing item of them all. Really? For a sports team? What's the matter was jockstraps taken? If you're going to use clothing, how about something classy like the Chicago Tuxedos? Or the Chicago Armani Suits? If you must stay with footwear how about the Chicago Spikes? At least that sounds tougher than the Chicago Flip Flops.
What's even goofier is that there is also a Red Sox franchise. Chicago and Boston must have had a coin flip for the last two names. Chicago lost. Red is much cooler than white for sox. I mean white sox are ubiquitous and boring compared to red. I know these teams were named more than a hundred years ago, but surely there were other options. Maybe Baseball pioneers had some strange foot fetish thing going on.
If you want something more modern for a Chicago team  how about the Chicago Taxation, or the Chicago Ridiculously Over Priced Parking Meters. Or the fearsome, Chicago More Murders Than Afghanistan in 2012. Oh wait that last one could be the new city slogan.

What's in a name

In my previous post, I mentioned a famous actress naming her child Apple, after the giant tech company that dominates the universe. After an enormous amount of feedback (okay, actually no feedback except in my own head, but that doesn't sound as impressive for such a hugely followed blogger like myself) I realized that she (okay it's Gwyneth Paltrow as you may have heard) may actually have named her daughter after a piece of fruit. Possibly so that one day she could say to her daughter "You are the apple of my eye". I've got a degree in biology , but I don't remember apples actually being part of an eye.  I may have missed class that day, or that semester. Anyway I doubt that an apple in your eye would  really be a good thing, but the phrase is generally considered complimentary. The problem is that the name brings an incomplete image to mind and so it needs a descriptive middle name. How about Apple Granny Smith Paltrow?Or maybe Apple Red Not So Delicious Paltrow.( I don't know Gwynee's hubby's name so we will use Paltrow for the last name).
What about Apple Fuji Paltrow? Wait that would need an extra middle name for clarification - Apple Fuji Not To Be Confused With The Photo Paper Company Paltrow.
Being named after a piece of fruit can be lonely, so more people need start naming their children after fruit. One day maybe some fruit named child can say "Oh I can't wait to see uncle Seedless Watermelon for Christmas" or "Look what aunt Ugli fruit gave me for my birthday!" If Grape married Ugli fruit, would their children be grapefruit?
But why stop there? Don't leave out the vegetables. What could be more heartwarming than a vegan couple bringing home their new baby and saying "Tasteless Edamame, meet you new baby sister Krunchy Carrot"? By the way how did you like my clever alternative spelling for crunchy?
Why stop with produce? Prepared foods, meats, cheeses, drinks - all can be good names.  Maybe one day Apple can have a daughter named Appletini.
Maybe one day I will have a grandson named Bagel Dog With Dr. Brown's Wild Cherry.
Now that I think of it Gwyneth may be on to something. Maybe fruit names can replace those overused, stuffy biblical names.

Email source

I got three emails today. Two of them ended by telling me they were sent from an i phone. Do I really need to know that? Who gives a crap?Am I supposed to be impressed?Does Apple really need this kind of marketing? They already account for 22% of the GDP. A famous actress even named her daughter "Apple" (I guess I'm old school. I named my kids "fax machine" and "Windows 95")

Anyway,  I don't care if you sent it from your fancy high tech gadget while on a bullet train to work, drinking your girlie Starbucks drink or from your crummy Pentium three desktop from 1996 complete with 14" CRT monitor, in your basement, drinking nuked three day old coffee.

 Now if you're sending me an email from a nuclear submarine at the bottom of the arctic ocean about to launch world war three at Russia, feel free to brag to me about the source of your email. At the end of that email you can say "this email sent from the bottom of the sea moments before the end of the world". Now that would be impressive.

By the way, definition of a "girlie" Starbucks drink - Any coffee that contains one or more of the following and is purchased by a man: whipped cream, nutmeg, cinnamon, steamed milk, flavored syrup or sprinkles. If you are a girl, it is okay to have a "girlie" drink. Hot chocolate is exempt from this as there is no coffee involved.

If you are a girl , don't be offended by "girlie" drinks. Everyone knows that women are better than men, so men have to be tough and manly.

So, when men get their 200 degree coffee they should forgo the use of sleeves on their cups. Just grab that cup and let your hand sizzle and the flesh will melt just enough to help the cup stick to your hand.

Final note - Paul inspired me to write today.

Award This!

Every year the Academy awards show is televised to a huge audience. For 2011 viewership was 37.6 million. For weeks prior to the show itself we are inundated with shows and news segments devoted to guessing who will be nominated and after nominations are announced who was snubbed and who should win. I haven't checked, but I'm sure you can bet on who will win in any Las Vegas casino. On the day of the big event entire shows are dedicated to judging the stars as they arrive. The insults fly here including who's hair looks like it was styled in a blender and who's make up was done by a blind monkey. Of course which stick figure shaped star is wearing which famous designer is of utmost importance. And the shoes! How can she wear those with that dress?
And the awards are numerous to say the least. Not just best movie, best actor, best actress, but hundreds of others as thrilling as best screen play adapted from a comic book, best sound editing in a documentary and best costume design in a nudist colony movie. For people in the movie industry that's fine, but for everyone else - WHO GIVES A CRAP?
It's an industry awards show! Would you watch an awards show for seatbelt makers, or widget designers or brick makers? NO - no one gives a rat's ass (of course no one wants to receive a rat's ass either). As long as my seatbelt works a drunken sea monkey could have been the award winning designer. As long as the bricks of my house don't crumble an elephant could have hand crafted them from her own dung. I DON'T CARE! And neither should you. It's got nothing to do with you.
And the show itself? I can imagine that being forced to endure these boring hours would be a prime punishment in Hell. first we get one or two celebrities who can't resist the spotlight to host the show. they alternate uninspired, boring lines with introductions to a bevy of 20 second long snippets of movie performances. After each snippet the camera focuses on the individual featured hoping for some reaction to seeing themselves. Possibly smiling, possibly acting non chalant, or maybe picking their nose.
Finally we must endure the the winners' speeches. A stultifying minute or two filled with thanks to everyone in the known universe ending with the charming yet unimaginative comment telling the children that now they have to go to bed. I guess loser's children get to stay up all night.
All of this evening was created just because some clever hollywoodians said "If we dress up the actors and actresses really nice we can sell advertising and make some bucks."
Movies can certainly be entertaining. The overall experience created by talented groups of people can can elicit a great range of emotions. But to claim interest in the mundane aspects of creating a movie? Come on! But don't pretend to care unless you can watch a movie and honestly say afterwards things like
"Wow-what great editing, it really made the movie"
Or
"Look at those caveman outfits , they are so authentic looking. If it wasn't for the costume designer this movie would blow!"
Or
"Man, the sound engineer was amazing. If those explosions were 5 decibels lower I would hate this movie"
Yes, creating a movie requires many talented people working as a team on many aspects. THEY should care about their product and honor their peers. But you aren't one of them, so just go watch a movie and enjoy.

Stupid signs

I believe it was 1975 when the state of Illinois passed a law allowing cars to turn right at red lights. Very soon after signs began appearing at many intersections that said "no right turn on red" Okay, I can understand that some busy , high speed intersections can be dangerous. But soon after that other signs began appearing underneath the "no right turn on red" signs. In smaller print these new signs said "When pedestrians are present" Hey , I think that is already a main rule of the road.
They actually teach that in Driver's Ed. In the book it expressly says "Don't maim or kill pedestrians. It's really, really bad". Not only shouldn't you run over people while turning right, but also when turning left, going straight, backing up and even when parking.
Do we really need signs that tell you not to do something and then tell you that , yes it's okay to do something, unless of course you shouldn't because you may violate a law. And you don't want to break a law.
And that's not the only sign under the "no right turn on red". You may come across this sign underneath the "No right turn on red" sign:
"On school days when children are present"
Recently, I was horrified at running over a child during a turn. I quickly jammed on my brakes in the middle of traffic and pulled out my calender. Boy, was I relieved to find that it was Martin Luther King day and there was no school that day. I drove away feeling pleased at having taught that child an important lesson. I'm sure he won't be trying to cross a street again on a non-school day!
How about this poetic gem? "Click it or Ticket" Not click it because we're concerned for your safety. No. Just do it or pay! That's right, just because we said so.

Or one of my favorites "Buckle up. It's the law" Hey , thanks for the heads up. Got any other laws you can inform me about? How about a sign that says "No drive by shootings. It's the law" or isn't that important enough to remind people? or maybe "No prostitutes from here to corner unless you pay off local cop. It's the unwritten law"

My all time favorite is this one: "Don't drive drunk" Can this possibly work?Isn't it a little late? If a drunk is driving will he be able to read it without crashing into it? Or will the drunk say "Holy crap, It says not to do this. I better pull into a parking lot and sleep it off" I know what you're saying. The sign is for people who are not drunk yet! Well I'm not sure how many people get their legal and moral education by reading road signs, but my guess is somewhere less than one. And what would that be like? Would some woman about to have her 5th mojito say " I saw a sign before that said not to drink and drive, so forget that drink. I'm stopping now"

And "don't drive drunk" unfairly excludes driving after other impairments.
How about "no driving after taking crack cocaine" or "no driving after abusing prescription drugs"? Or " Don't drive while blind" Or "Don't let your monkey drive"?

There are getting to be so many signs that we are running out of space. So, I have developed the combo sign. Now each sign can have multiple messages. Here are some examples:
"Don't kill, but adopt a stray puppy"
"Don't steal - use birth control"
"Don't commit armed robbery and don't litter"
" Be an Illinois governor and be honest"
I think I would like to own the sign contract with the state of Illinios

Bought and paid for

Stopping corruption in our government could very well be the most important issue of our time.
The power of Lobbying and the money they spread is hard to contain.
One possible solution involves allowing them to deal out as much money as they desire, but control the congress and senate.
When a judge finds that he/she has a personal connection in a case then he/she must recuse themself from the case.
Since campaign contributions must be accounted for it is easy see which office holders have received donations from which lobbies.
When a bill comes up for a vote, the senators or congresspersons who received donations from a lobby directly affected by said bill must recuse themselves from voting on the bill.
This way a lobby gets to plead their case, but not influence the outcome with money, but only the soundness of their arguement.
There should also be a limit on how many times each year that a senator or congressman may recuse themselves without penalty.
Possibly if they recuse themselves in more than 5% of the bills voted on each year, they should be fired from their position and lose their pension. The reason being, that if they are receiving that many campaign donations, then they are in business for themselves rather than taking care of constituents business and doing what they are elected to do.

New dessert

As a foodaholic, I've decided to create some new desserts. First up is my new creation - Donut pie.
By combining the fried, artery clogging goodness of donuts with the diabetic coma inducing sweetness of pie I believe this new creation will send the culinary world screaming with joy.
As with great wine and food pairings, the proper donut - pie pairing is essential for the perfect dessert experience. For example a Rhubarb pie and chocolate cake donut combo could be vomit inducing, which could be fun if you feed it to your drunk friend at 3:00 in the morning, but certainly wouldn't be taste bud pleasing . For the delicate flavor of rhubarb you need a strawberry jelly donut.
Other pairings I have devised include:

Peanut donut crumbled atop pecan pie

Blueberry donut on blueberry pie

For those who need a little fiber I have a bran muffin - banana cream pie

Boston cream donut with boston cream pie.

For the traditionalist I have a pairing of buttermilk donut and apple pie

and for the unusual we have toasted coconut donuts with sweet potato pie.

By the way , I love sweet potato pie and will gladly eat any you wish to send to me. It's extremely difficult to find sweet potato pie anywhere.

Well, what are you waiting for? Go to the bakery and the donut shop and try some donut pie. You know you want to.
Let me know your favorite pairing.