Streaming Live

Sometimes I'm not sure what I want to write about next, so I'm just going to write a stream of consciousness and see what emerges.
When I sleep too long I say "I overslept". If I wake up too early have I underslept?. Hmm, my spell check left red squiggles under underslept. Have I invented a new word? On a related note, people sleep in, but never sleep out.
Why do people say "I'm screwed" when something bad happens? Most people I know like screwing. When my friends and I were young and single, getting screwed often involved high fives all around, not depression. On a related note , is getting one's brains screwed out a good thing?I don't know. Does this mean smart people don't get their brains screwed out? Once out, do they ooze back in?
Punctuation is very important in conveying a clear meaning. For example, consider these two options:
1 - Eat shit and die.
2 - Eat, shit and die.
Number 1 indicates partaking a meal of feces and then passing away, while number 2 indicates eating an unspecified meal followed by bowel emptying and then dying. While neither option has a happy outcome, the first sounds distasteful . By the way it is possible to eat, die and shit.
Consider this expression of surprise:
Holy mackerel! What's so special about a mackerel? What about holy rainbow trout?Holy goldfish? Holy shark? Holy jellyfish?I'd continue, but you see where I'm going.By the way, why leave out land animals? How about holy dog?Holy horse?Okay, holy cat for you cat people.
Did Picasso play with himself by pulling on his ear? If you don't get it, I suggest you look at some of his"work".
Do psychics know what I'm going to write next?
Why do girl scout cookies taste so good? You know if you open a sleeve of thin mints, you're going to finish them.
I wish my food could talk to me and tell me what is really in it. Or maybe I don't
Why do people think that the cells in their bodies know the difference between natural and unnatural sugar?Dd they think that there are little committees inside each cell that can tell which five or six carbon ring is man made?
How many people who take blood "thinners" know that they are also taking rat poison?
Donut shops sell donut holes. Why don't bagel shops sell bagel holes. Red squiggles under donut. I guess I should write doughnut.
I've said it before, but why do we have silent letters?Why are 34% of French letters silent?Why did I say 34% when I haven't done the research?
George Washington did not have wooden teeth, but he did have some that he bought from slaves.
Don't say "Hot water heater". It's just a water heater. You don't actually need to heat water that is already hot.

Save the Planet - Don't Shower

Fresh water is our most precious natural resource. Considering how important it is to our survival, we should pay more attention to how we tend to squander it. Our bodies are about 70% water and we need to consume a great deal every day. We use it for virtually everything we do from producing food(it takes 10 gallons just to produce a slice of bread),in industry,in agriculture,  for cleaning clothes and for cleaning ourselves.Only 2.5-3% of all water on Earth is fresh water. Of that only about 1% is accessible. The Great lakes accounts for 21% of the world's fresh water.
Americans use about 100 gallons of fresh water per day , while Europeans use about 50 and sub Saharan Africans use about 2-5 gallons. Clearly we don't need to use 100 gallons a day, when others survive on so much less. Now we all have heard jokes about the French using perfume instead of bathing, but maybe we should emulate them. Well, to a degree. After checking these numbers, you may agree.
The typical American shower takes about 8.2 minutes. Multiply this by a typical shower head using 2.1 gallons of water per minute and we Americans use about 17.2 gallons of water per shower.  About 100,000,000 showers are taken each day in America. By skipping one shower a week, we would save 1,720,000,000 gallons of fresh water per week. This adds up to 89,440,000,000 gallons of fresh water saved in a year!
So, in order to help conserve this most important of resources, I am proposing that every Wednesday be declared  "Shower Free Wednesday".
Why Wednesday? I could pick any day, but Wednesday is the middle of the work and school week and, face it, everyone is just trying to get over the hump and no one will notice a little arm pit stench. Just use a little extra deodorant and forget about it. And your skin will thank you for a day without all the drying out from too much bathing.
I'm serious about conserving water, so please share this with everyone on the planet. Make "Shower Free Wednesday" a reality.
Next time I will talk about conserving toilet flushes with "Pee outside Thursday"

Forgetting to Remember

It's inevitable. At some point in your life, you begin to forget things. Where you were going, what you needed at the store, what you were going to say, the name of that actor you've seen in a dozen other movies.It's going to happen more and more after you reach a certain age. It could start in your 40's,your 50's or even your 60's, but it will start! This is different from the condition affecting millions of kids and adults called ADD. No, this is age induced brain rot, a failure of neuron connections that leave us frustrated and sometimes worried that we are becoming senile.Oh no, now my kids can take revenge on me and I won't even know about it.
I became very worried about it when I couldn't remember my own phone number for about five minutes, so I went to see my Chinese husband and wife doctor team , Woo Hoo and Otch Hoo.Woo chuckled when I told him about my concern and told me,
"If you forget where your car keys are, that's normal, so don't worry. If you forget what your car keys are for, then you may have a problem."
With that reassurance and a $30 copay, I left feeling relieved.
To allay your memory loss fears, I have put together a listing of some memory issues that will arise as you age, but are normal. Along with some ways to cope,so you don't  have to worry about them.
1 - Brand recognition and acceptable word substitution.
It's okay to forget a product name and substitute your own. for example I use a product called "Breath Right Nasal Strips" when I go to sleep. Well for me this has become a very difficult name to remember.When I run out and need to get some they become either "Nose Strips" or even better "Nose Things" As a matter of fact the word "Thing" is now a universally accepted substitute for anything that eludes your memory. For example when you comment on how much you like "crunchy things" in your Chinese food when referring to water chestnuts. Everyone can use "thing". Even Albert Einstein later in life called his "Theory of General Relativity" , "That physics Thing". Another universal substitution is the word "stuff". Indeed many an aged person says "computer stuff". Historical research even quotes Ben Franklin, in 1787, referring to the new constitution as "That law stuff".
2 - Social issues.
If you meet someone whose name you cannot remember you may use the "faking it" technique. Inside your  head you can think
"Crap ,that's whats her name"
But, you don't want to admit it and offend her, so just keep talking about general things like the weather, or how great she looks, while listening for clues to her identity. If more than three minute goes by, don't worry, she doesn't remember you either. Then you can say how great it was to see her and continue on your journey.
Another social issue, especially in groups of the memory challenged is "Blurting". Older memory impaired people like to blurt things out , even if they have nothing to do with the topic of discussion. That's because older people want to say what popped into their mind before they forget it. So, if your in a group discussing books or movies , feel free to blurt out that you bought some yogurt on sale that morning and that broccoli gives you stinky gas, because the next person will blurt out something equally irrelevant like "My granddaughter just married a tugboat captain with a lisp" Other blurts may be framed as questions such as :
"What was I about to say?" or "What were we just talking about?" or "Did I say that out loud?"
3 - Spousal ambiguity
Sometimes a spouse will ask a trick memory question like ,
"Do you know what day this is?"
If you can't remember there are several possible answers you can use. One answer is "It's our anniversary" phrased as either a question or a confident answer. You're playing the odds here as that is a pretty common date to forget and be punished for. Also, if you use it every time you will eventually be right. You can also play the "dumb card" and say "I think it's Wednesday", but don't do it too often as it loses its believability and charm in a hurry.
Interpreting spousal gibberish is also a challenge, but you can make it fun for both of you. Say your wife says to you,
"When going, remember the white"
Then watch your child's face go from confusion to amazement when you answer that of course you will pick up milk after going to the bank. This works on children of any age who will be impressed with how in sync you two are after so many years of marriage. You're actually just at similar stages of memory deterioration(known as co-senility) and you would have said the exact same thing if the situation was reversed. Please note that if spouses are more than 10 years different in age their memory loss may not be in sync. In this case a spouse may be unable to impress children and will have a response more along the lines of,
"What the hell are you talking about?" or, the ever famous,
"I'm not a mind reader."
This was going to be longer, but I forgot what else I wanted to say.

Studies Cause Cancer

Just a few years back a friend of mine told me I had to start drinking red wine because it was good for my heart.My curiosity was aroused as there have been heart issues in my family , so I asked how he knew about this new health directive.
" A study came out proving it. I read it just the other day."
So, with this evidence, off to the liquor store I went to stock up on the elixir to extend my life. Screw exercise, I can drink my way to health.
Viva La France! Ah the French! They discovered how to live a long time with a high fat diet plus alcohol.
Supposedly the resveratrol, which is the key health substance in red wine, is an antioxidant which will do all kinds of great things for our cholesterol and arteries. Besides red wine there are numerous,though less fun antioxidant supplements marketed to us by large profit minded companies as well as fruit and juice companies. Crazy combination drinks are also marketed. All touting their massive health benefits.
But, later investigations showed that the benefits were only shown in mice and the human equivalent dosage is about 1,000 liters of red wine per day.(http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/heart-disease/in-depth/red-wine/art-20048281)
Saddened, I stopped drinking.After all, who can afford 1,000 liters of wine per day?And if I could, are  there enough hours in a day to consume it all?I could barely finish my gallon of intestine emptier the night before my colonoscopy!And I have to think 1,000 litres(note the alternate spelling of liter) of wine,daily, could have rather bad consequences that more than offset the potential benefits.
Other studies have come to light saying that taking in loads of antioxidants may not be so good after all. I won't cite them all here.
This is just one example of a limited number of studies being used as marketing ploys. Citing a single study can launch an entire new business.
These are what I call the positive studies. If you do as your told, such as take a supplement,then positive things will happen for you. Then there are the negative studies.These tell you all of the bad things that will happen if you do something. One example is eating margarine will clog up your arteries and kill you. Several studies concluded this very thing. I cite my own study of my two grandmothers who used craploads(a crapload is more than a load,but less than a boatload) of margarine and lived to be 88 and 91 years old.Interestingly the butter industry lobbied successfully to have taxes added to margarine , and laws to keep it from being dyed yellow.The no dye rules lasted for decades.See mentalfloss.com.
Aside from the margarine studies there seems to be an endless supply of food studies showing that pretty much every food causes cancer. Of course these studies involve mice eating the human equivalent of 643 tons of  the one food in question per year.
No one is immune to all of the hypes. People begin to worry what will happen to them if they don't believe the "science" presented to them in such a compelling way.
Studies are very important in very many areas. Clinicaltrials.gov shows 179,546 registered clinical trials.Studies abound in education,statistics, research, etc.Even studies of studies, but individual studies mean little by themselves. They may provide insights that lead research into specific areas. Unfortunately they lead companies to make false claims and very real profits.Hence the warnings on many supplements saying "These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration.This product is not intended to diagnose,treat,cure or prevent any disease." In other words you could very well be buying an expensive placebo.
So,with that in mind I must tell you that  new studies reveal that so many new studies and their nonsense interpretations by media or marketing companies for profit are causing severe health issues for people including fear,anxiety,heart palpitations,skin lesions and depression. This has led to a new psychological condition called "Studiesaphobia". Of course fear, anxiety,and depression weaken the body making us prone to all kinds of diseases - even cancer.
So, stop paying attention to the study of the week. You'll be healthier for it.

New Easy to Use Health Program

I  recently lost 27.65 pounds through a disciplined approach to eating and exercising. An accomplishment of which I was proud, but I also felt a bit fatigued by months of effort. So, I took a break. After all what harm could come from a few days of rest, relaxation and gross overeating? Probably nothing, but after 10 weeks of  my break,  I still weighed exactly the same and I felt great. I was baffled, but pleased. What had happened to keep me like this ? Could I have achieved my results without all of the sacrifice? I had to think about this.
  My wife gave me my first clue when she mentioned that lately I had been thrashing around in my sleep at regular intervals. Throwing kicks and punches, stopping for a while and then repeating. Maybe I had restless leg syndrome. Or restless arm and leg syndrome.Or maybe some unexpressed rage. Whatever the catalyst was didn't matter as I realized I was exercising in my sleep!Burning calories, improving my physical conditioning and resting at the same time.
This epiphany(By the way an epiphany is a sudden realization and understanding also commonly referred to as "It hit me like a ton of bricks chocolate covered cherries")lead to my development of the greatest and most pain free weight control and exercise program in the history of mankind(peoplekind? personkind?). All while resting!
I call it -  SLEEPERCISE
This is no fly by night program. I consulted with the world famous husband and wife Chinese doctor team of :doctors Woo Hoo and Otch Hoo. I'm still not sure which was which, but I know Hoo's on first. They are not to be confused with the other famous Doctor Who, who spells his name differently and apparently still flies around the universe in the last remaining phone booth. Why doesn't he get a cell phone and phone home? Well that's two movie and one television reference thrown into one paragraph. How do I do it?
  After minutes of painstaking research we perfected our program which basically changes the "No pain, no gain" mantra into "No pain, no sweat, no diet, no problem"
SLEEPERCISE is now available the public.
I know what you're thinking.
"A world changing program like this is priceless. It must cost thousands of dollars"
"Wrong"
"Hundreds?"
"Nope"
"Nothing?It's free?"
"Sort of"
"What?"
Just think of it as a donation. We don't care about profits. Just donate a measly $20 and we'll share the secrets of SLEEPERCISE with you personally.
Isn't your health and well being and gluttony and laziness worth it?

Paper book vs. ebook - a Detailed Analysis

  I've been reading for about 50 years now. I believe the first book I ever owned was called "The Carrot Seed" and was purchased through a school program. Not long after that I moved on to such classics as "Curious George Rides a Bike" and multiple Dr. Seuss titles. The experience of entering new worlds ,whether fact or fiction, while sitting on a couch or lying in bed at home was a life changing joy. It still is today. 

  In recent years , with the onslaught of ceaseless technological advancements, I have given in to using a kindle to do some of my reading. I have found some features of my kindle to be quite useful and some to be sorely lacking. Here is a scientific analysis of paper books versus ebooks.

1 - Readability.

 My kindle offers a variety of type sizes that can quickly be changed to match my eye condition. Tired at night, I can change to larger type and read with no strain. Probably keeps me from falling asleep (not sure if that's a good or bad thing). If I want more words per page, I can easily change to a smaller size. Regular books have mostly the same size type, although there are now a lot of books with larger type. Still not all books are available with larger type and those that are tend to weigh a ton.Okay, not an actual ton, but enough for a nice hernia.Okay , hernias aren't nice, but substantial.

Advantage - ebook

2 - Portability. 

When traveling, my less than a pound kindle can hold as many books as I want. No wasted suitcase/bag space and no tons of regular books to shlep. If I fall asleep in my lounge chair by the pool , my open paper book covers much more of my face than a kindle, so my traditional book or magazine will do a much better job of protecting my face from sunburn.

Big advantage - ebook

3 - Browsability.

When I read, I often like to go back to other parts of the book. It may be because I've forgotten something, or because I think I've figured something out. Or,if I'm reading non fiction I may want to go to the end and read a footnote from the chapter I'm reading or go back to make sure I understand a concept. With a kindle it can be quite a chore. The "go to" menu isn't very useful. I mean how do I know what location I want to go to unless I've memorized all 27,065 of them on the way? In my regular book, I can fan the pages and quickly find what I want and then return to my place, or I may say "I think  it was 4 or 5 pages back" and get there easily. Most of the ebooks I've read did not have page numbers, so how many swipes is 4 or 5 pages?

Huge advantage - paper book

4 - Page turnability.

You wouldn't think that page turning contributes to the reading experience, but painstaking research indicates that it actually does. Page turning with a kindle can be done with either a right to left swipe or a tap on the right side of the page. Basically a simple operation although an angled swipe can send you forward or backward a chapter and a misplaced tap can send you back a page. With a paper book, however, actually feeling the paper texture as you turn the page is quite satisfying.Your sense of touch appears to activate more neurons in the brain, creating a better experience and more complete memory.(Normally a claim like this would have a footnote , but here is my footnote "Because I said so and you'll just have to take my word for it.Also, no mice were electrically shocked for proof.Possibly a few people, but no cute little mice.") Also the sound of page turning is surprisingly enjoyable, giving your completion of that page a certain finality. Even the smell of a book can be intoxicating. Or maybe I'm just sniffing the glue in the binding. Will that make me a book addict?Does that make my mind a terrible thing to waste or just terribly wasted?I guess that will be my next research project.

Surprisingly huge advantage - paper book

5 - Extras.

In this world of software bloat, you can darn well expect and receive extra functions that three people in a survey of 2,000,000 said everyone will want. My kindle is no different.Several of these are sharing, rating,reading progress, and note taking.  First of all - note taking. I can write in the margins of my paper book easier than I can in a kindle. If I was a college student I could use my yellow highlighter and highlight 92% of my book erroneously expecting that it would enhance my understanding of "Ulysses", because of course it makes no sense. Hey, if you write a book that requires an entire semester course to understand , then you have failed as a writer, but succeeded as a pompous, egotistical  asshole. But then who am I to say as I have never written a 1253 page book that got its own semester course at a major university.But, I digress. Next is reading progress. Do I really need to know that I will be done with my book in 17 hours and 43 minutes?That may actually be depressing if I find out that my neighbor's six year old read it in 3 hours and 11 minutes. Next up is sharing. If I want to share, I'll join a book club and actually converse with people face to face.But I probably won't as I really don't care how Maxine Shlempklumper interprets the imagery in " Kool Kens Magical Kabbalah Journey to the Center of the Milky Way and Back Again". Last of all is rating/reviews. Ratings and reviews are without a doubt the worst internet function ever created! Not just for books , but for everything. People think that reading all 12,000 reviews for something is research, so they'll spend 91 hours reading reviews to decide if they will buy a $20 dollar item. And after all of that "research" they might still be undecided. Stop wasting your time and buy the damn thing. You can probably return it if you don't like it anyway. And who are these reviewers? Some may be the most brilliant analytical thinkers, but some may eat their own boogers. I don't know them, so why should  I want their opinion? I'd rather ask someone I know like my wife , son, parent, or friend.

 All in all, the extras category earns the kindle the "3rd Testicle Award". A 3rd testicle being something that no one needs.

Humongous advantage - paper books

Conclusion.

Ebooks are inferior to paper books in the overall reading experience. Unlike other technological advances that enhance our lives, ebooks really add nothing. So, get up, go to the library, get a book, crack a binding and enjoy.

Rating system explanation.

Advantage = Okay it's a little better

Big Advantage = A little more than an "Advantage". Like putting in one more squirt of chocolate syrup when making chocolate milk.

Huge Advantage = Way more than a "Big Advantage". We almost called it "A Really, Really Big Advantage"

Surprisingly Huge Advantage = Not only a Huge Advantage, but the scientific community was surprised by the data. Since we were surprised , we figured you would like to know about it.

Humongous Advantage = This is the biggie. This is like an NBA team playing against a team of blind, handless people. No contest!Slam dunk! And no, we're not prejudiced against the blind and handless, they just suck at basketball. It's a fact.

 

 

Foreskin: It's what's for breakfast!

  I would like to correct a language error that has been around for some decades. That is the word "Brunch". People commonly use this term to mean a meal between breakfast and lunch.This is often consumed on the weekend with friends and/or family for about triple the cost of the same meal when bought at other times of the day. However, this is not an accurate definition. It is actually supposed to be called "Breach" or "Breanch" if you are from New England. In the southern hemisphere where things are generally backwards or upside down it is customary to refer to it as either "Lunst" or a mildly confusing "Lust" as the lunch part precedes the breakfast portion of the word.
  The true origin of this word is far more interesting and goes back to the several thousand year old tradition of ritual circumcision. Although many cultures and religions perform these circumcisions, the first to do this were the Jewish people as they were commanded to in the Torah (referred to as the "Old Testament" by non-Jews). For those who do not know of this delightful tradition I will explain. God commanded the Jewish people that on the eighth day of a baby boy's life, an expert called a mohel, (pronounced moil, rhymes with oil) will hack the foreskin off the boy's penis with a machete. This is not as cruel as it sounds as the baby is given a drop or two of wine on a gauze pad, so he is drunk and just thinks someone has slammed his pecker in a car door. So that screaming you hear from a newly foreskin-free boy is just him yelling at his mother for being careless with the car door and please get some ice on that thing.
  Well that sounds like fun, you say, but couldn't we just skip it? The answer is a resounding NO! Jews have a choice: chop off the foreskin or God chops off your soul! Not quite "an eye for an eye", but do you really want to risk your soul?Some Jews actually question god asking "Hey big guy, if you didn't want us to have foreskin, then why did you give it to us in the first place? And then we could just skip this thing altogether". But I know what you're thinking. As interesting as this is, what does this have to do with "Brunch"?
  These ritual penis-carving ceremonies are typically done in the morning (sometimes in the afternoon if the Mohel is heavily booked, but forbidden at night) after which people are ready to celebrate. So, a delightful meal is served. typically in the late morning. Now this circumcision is called a "Brit" (pronounced bris, rhymes with bliss). Hence the "Br" from "Brit" combined with the "unch" from "Lunch" forms "Brunch".
  So, the next time you are out for what you call "Brunch", please think of foreskin, blood, and screaming babies and enjoy your meal.