I'm cold. I'm really cold! I'm not a winter person. Since I was 10 years old I've been threatening to move somewhere warm, like southern California or Arizona. but definitely not Florida. I don't have any need for the humidity and the hurricanes not to mention alligators in my back yard. I've been to Daytona Beach and the entire town smelled like beer and vomit. I've been to Miami and the whole city smelled like embalming fluid. Who needs to live in Hell's waiting room anyway? But I digress. I was ranting about winter.
Instead of moving to a warmer climate I'll just wait for the warmer climate to come to me. This global warming thing may work out great for me. With the gradual temperature increase I'll have a great winter vacation home in no time. You people driving gas guzzling suv's and pick up trucks are a ton of help in releasing greenhouse gases into the atmosphere and warming me up. The amusing thing about suv's is that in urban areas they are basically useless.Where are you going to go off roading? Your back yard? Watch out for the grill! And for this useless display of oversized gas guzzling steel you get to pay thousands of dollars more than for a more useful energy efficient car or if you need more space a minivan.
Or maybe these drivers are selflessy looking to help those poor little oil companies get by, because they need help. The federal government ruthlessly gave the oil companies only a multi -billion gift to search for oil( under the guise of an "energy policy") when they will obviously need at least double that so we can pay for their new oil refining plants to be built. Since as of now, even if they do find oil, the oil companies don't have the capacity to refine what they find. But again I digress!
Winter sucks! Why can't snow only fall on the grass? Now that would be helpful. Then we could have the beauty of snow without having to shovel. Think of the countless lives that would saved of stubborn middle aged and old aged men who are to stubborn to buy a snow blower and have heart attacks shoveling tons of snow from their driveways and sidewalks. And it's not just the shoveling to worry about. The dreaded invisible ice patch is always lurking. Looking to send the unsuspecting carefree walker flailing clumsily through the frozen air to land heavily on his ass. This will not only send searing pain up one's tailbone, it will make that person the recipient of the roaring laughter of one's family. There will of course be the false look of concern and the obligatory "are you alright" sandwiched between laughs.
And what of the people who like winter sports and think I'm a killjoy? Well nothern Illinois is certainly too flat for skiing, so go on vacation somewhere like Colorado. Same with snow boarding. And if you actually want to cross country ski, get some roller blades and go indoors. If you still insist on cross country skiing outside, go get your head examined, your probably an imbecile. Ice skating can be done indoors. Ice fishing? What guy was so desperate to get away from his wife that he decided to put a 5 foot by 5 foot shack on a frozen lake and saw a hole in the ice and sit there with a six-pack and try to outsmart a fish. If you must ice fish - Go to Minnesota!
And hardly anything can even live in the winter. The plants are all dead and the trees are hideously barren.The birds all leave except the canada goose, who is incredibly noisy and tends to walk out into traffic and cause accidents. Aside from that they make a seemingly endless supply of good old fashioned shit. Apparently geese are designed to defacate their weight in turds every single day! I suppose I should thank the snow for covering it all up every once in a while. But I won't! Snow sucks. Ice sucks. cold sucks.
How about scraping off your car before going to work in the morning? What a treat! And shivering in the car while waiting an eternity for it to heat up. And trying to see through fogged up windows doesn't work , so naturally you must roll down the windows in minus 52 degrees celsius weather to see the other cars.
So please global warming - how about a little help here?
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