Sometimes I'm not sure what I want to write about next, so I'm just
going to write a stream of consciousness and see what emerges.
When
I sleep too long I say "I overslept". If I wake up too early have I
underslept?. Hmm, my spell check left red squiggles under underslept.
Have I invented a new word? On a related note, people sleep in, but
never sleep out.
Why do people say "I'm screwed" when something
bad happens? Most people I know like screwing. When my friends and I
were young and single, getting screwed often involved high fives all
around, not depression. On a related note , is getting one's brains
screwed out a good thing?I don't know. Does this mean smart people don't
get their brains screwed out? Once out, do they ooze back in?
Punctuation is very important in conveying a clear meaning. For example, consider these two options:
1 - Eat shit and die.
2 - Eat, shit and die.
Number
1 indicates partaking a meal of feces and then passing away, while
number 2 indicates eating an unspecified meal followed by bowel emptying
and then dying. While neither option has a happy outcome, the first
sounds distasteful . By the way it is possible to eat, die and shit.
Consider this expression of surprise:
Holy
mackerel! What's so special about a mackerel? What about holy rainbow
trout?Holy goldfish? Holy shark? Holy jellyfish?I'd continue, but you
see where I'm going.By the way, why leave out land animals? How about
holy dog?Holy horse?Okay, holy cat for you cat people.
Did Picasso play with himself by pulling on his ear? If you don't get it, I suggest you look at some of his"work".
Do psychics know what I'm going to write next?
Why do girl scout cookies taste so good? You know if you open a sleeve of thin mints, you're going to finish them.
I wish my food could talk to me and tell me what is really in it. Or maybe I don't
Why
do people think that the cells in their bodies know the difference
between natural and unnatural sugar?Dd they think that there are little
committees inside each cell that can tell which five or six carbon ring
is man made?
How many people who take blood "thinners" know that they are also taking rat poison?
Donut
shops sell donut holes. Why don't bagel shops sell bagel holes. Red
squiggles under donut. I guess I should write doughnut.
I've said
it before, but why do we have silent letters?Why are 34% of French
letters silent?Why did I say 34% when I haven't done the research?
George Washington did not have wooden teeth, but he did have some that he bought from slaves.
Don't say "Hot water heater". It's just a water heater. You don't actually need to heat water that is already hot.
Monday, March 30, 2015
Monday, January 5, 2015
Save the Planet - Don't Shower
Fresh water is our most precious natural resource. Considering how
important it is to our survival, we should pay more attention to how we
tend to squander it. Our bodies are about 70% water and we need to
consume a great deal every day. We use it for virtually everything we do
from producing food(it takes 10 gallons just to produce a slice of
bread),in industry,in agriculture, for cleaning clothes and for
cleaning ourselves.Only 2.5-3% of all water on Earth is fresh water. Of
that only about 1% is accessible. The Great lakes accounts for 21% of
the world's fresh water.
Americans use about 100 gallons of fresh water per day , while Europeans use about 50 and sub Saharan Africans use about 2-5 gallons. Clearly we don't need to use 100 gallons a day, when others survive on so much less. Now we all have heard jokes about the French using perfume instead of bathing, but maybe we should emulate them. Well, to a degree. After checking these numbers, you may agree.
The typical American shower takes about 8.2 minutes. Multiply this by a typical shower head using 2.1 gallons of water per minute and we Americans use about 17.2 gallons of water per shower. About 100,000,000 showers are taken each day in America. By skipping one shower a week, we would save 1,720,000,000 gallons of fresh water per week. This adds up to 89,440,000,000 gallons of fresh water saved in a year!
So, in order to help conserve this most important of resources, I am proposing that every Wednesday be declared "Shower Free Wednesday".
Why Wednesday? I could pick any day, but Wednesday is the middle of the work and school week and, face it, everyone is just trying to get over the hump and no one will notice a little arm pit stench. Just use a little extra deodorant and forget about it. And your skin will thank you for a day without all the drying out from too much bathing.
I'm serious about conserving water, so please share this with everyone on the planet. Make "Shower Free Wednesday" a reality.
Next time I will talk about conserving toilet flushes with "Pee outside Thursday"
Americans use about 100 gallons of fresh water per day , while Europeans use about 50 and sub Saharan Africans use about 2-5 gallons. Clearly we don't need to use 100 gallons a day, when others survive on so much less. Now we all have heard jokes about the French using perfume instead of bathing, but maybe we should emulate them. Well, to a degree. After checking these numbers, you may agree.
The typical American shower takes about 8.2 minutes. Multiply this by a typical shower head using 2.1 gallons of water per minute and we Americans use about 17.2 gallons of water per shower. About 100,000,000 showers are taken each day in America. By skipping one shower a week, we would save 1,720,000,000 gallons of fresh water per week. This adds up to 89,440,000,000 gallons of fresh water saved in a year!
So, in order to help conserve this most important of resources, I am proposing that every Wednesday be declared "Shower Free Wednesday".
Why Wednesday? I could pick any day, but Wednesday is the middle of the work and school week and, face it, everyone is just trying to get over the hump and no one will notice a little arm pit stench. Just use a little extra deodorant and forget about it. And your skin will thank you for a day without all the drying out from too much bathing.
I'm serious about conserving water, so please share this with everyone on the planet. Make "Shower Free Wednesday" a reality.
Next time I will talk about conserving toilet flushes with "Pee outside Thursday"
Sunday, December 14, 2014
Forgetting to Remember
It's inevitable. At some point in your life, you begin to forget
things. Where you were going, what you needed at the store, what you
were going to say, the name of that actor you've seen in a dozen other
movies.It's going to happen more and more after you reach a certain age.
It could start in your 40's,your 50's or even your 60's, but it will
start! This is different from the condition affecting millions of kids
and adults called ADD. No, this is age induced brain rot, a failure of
neuron connections that leave us frustrated and sometimes worried that
we are becoming senile.Oh no, now my kids can take revenge on me and I
won't even know about it.
I became very worried about it when I couldn't remember my own phone number for about five minutes, so I went to see my Chinese husband and wife doctor team , Woo Hoo and Otch Hoo.Woo chuckled when I told him about my concern and told me,
"If you forget where your car keys are, that's normal, so don't worry. If you forget what your car keys are for, then you may have a problem."
With that reassurance and a $30 copay, I left feeling relieved.
To allay your memory loss fears, I have put together a listing of some memory issues that will arise as you age, but are normal. Along with some ways to cope,so you don't have to worry about them.
1 - Brand recognition and acceptable word substitution.
It's okay to forget a product name and substitute your own. for example I use a product called "Breath Right Nasal Strips" when I go to sleep. Well for me this has become a very difficult name to remember.When I run out and need to get some they become either "Nose Strips" or even better "Nose Things" As a matter of fact the word "Thing" is now a universally accepted substitute for anything that eludes your memory. For example when you comment on how much you like "crunchy things" in your Chinese food when referring to water chestnuts. Everyone can use "thing". Even Albert Einstein later in life called his "Theory of General Relativity" , "That physics Thing". Another universal substitution is the word "stuff". Indeed many an aged person says "computer stuff". Historical research even quotes Ben Franklin, in 1787, referring to the new constitution as "That law stuff".
2 - Social issues.
If you meet someone whose name you cannot remember you may use the "faking it" technique. Inside your head you can think
"Crap ,that's whats her name"
But, you don't want to admit it and offend her, so just keep talking about general things like the weather, or how great she looks, while listening for clues to her identity. If more than three minute goes by, don't worry, she doesn't remember you either. Then you can say how great it was to see her and continue on your journey.
Another social issue, especially in groups of the memory challenged is "Blurting". Older memory impaired people like to blurt things out , even if they have nothing to do with the topic of discussion. That's because older people want to say what popped into their mind before they forget it. So, if your in a group discussing books or movies , feel free to blurt out that you bought some yogurt on sale that morning and that broccoli gives you stinky gas, because the next person will blurt out something equally irrelevant like "My granddaughter just married a tugboat captain with a lisp" Other blurts may be framed as questions such as :
"What was I about to say?" or "What were we just talking about?" or "Did I say that out loud?"
3 - Spousal ambiguity
Sometimes a spouse will ask a trick memory question like ,
"Do you know what day this is?"
If you can't remember there are several possible answers you can use. One answer is "It's our anniversary" phrased as either a question or a confident answer. You're playing the odds here as that is a pretty common date to forget and be punished for. Also, if you use it every time you will eventually be right. You can also play the "dumb card" and say "I think it's Wednesday", but don't do it too often as it loses its believability and charm in a hurry.
Interpreting spousal gibberish is also a challenge, but you can make it fun for both of you. Say your wife says to you,
"When going, remember the white"
Then watch your child's face go from confusion to amazement when you answer that of course you will pick up milk after going to the bank. This works on children of any age who will be impressed with how in sync you two are after so many years of marriage. You're actually just at similar stages of memory deterioration(known as co-senility) and you would have said the exact same thing if the situation was reversed. Please note that if spouses are more than 10 years different in age their memory loss may not be in sync. In this case a spouse may be unable to impress children and will have a response more along the lines of,
"What the hell are you talking about?" or, the ever famous,
"I'm not a mind reader."
This was going to be longer, but I forgot what else I wanted to say.
I became very worried about it when I couldn't remember my own phone number for about five minutes, so I went to see my Chinese husband and wife doctor team , Woo Hoo and Otch Hoo.Woo chuckled when I told him about my concern and told me,
"If you forget where your car keys are, that's normal, so don't worry. If you forget what your car keys are for, then you may have a problem."
With that reassurance and a $30 copay, I left feeling relieved.
To allay your memory loss fears, I have put together a listing of some memory issues that will arise as you age, but are normal. Along with some ways to cope,so you don't have to worry about them.
1 - Brand recognition and acceptable word substitution.
It's okay to forget a product name and substitute your own. for example I use a product called "Breath Right Nasal Strips" when I go to sleep. Well for me this has become a very difficult name to remember.When I run out and need to get some they become either "Nose Strips" or even better "Nose Things" As a matter of fact the word "Thing" is now a universally accepted substitute for anything that eludes your memory. For example when you comment on how much you like "crunchy things" in your Chinese food when referring to water chestnuts. Everyone can use "thing". Even Albert Einstein later in life called his "Theory of General Relativity" , "That physics Thing". Another universal substitution is the word "stuff". Indeed many an aged person says "computer stuff". Historical research even quotes Ben Franklin, in 1787, referring to the new constitution as "That law stuff".
2 - Social issues.
If you meet someone whose name you cannot remember you may use the "faking it" technique. Inside your head you can think
"Crap ,that's whats her name"
But, you don't want to admit it and offend her, so just keep talking about general things like the weather, or how great she looks, while listening for clues to her identity. If more than three minute goes by, don't worry, she doesn't remember you either. Then you can say how great it was to see her and continue on your journey.
Another social issue, especially in groups of the memory challenged is "Blurting". Older memory impaired people like to blurt things out , even if they have nothing to do with the topic of discussion. That's because older people want to say what popped into their mind before they forget it. So, if your in a group discussing books or movies , feel free to blurt out that you bought some yogurt on sale that morning and that broccoli gives you stinky gas, because the next person will blurt out something equally irrelevant like "My granddaughter just married a tugboat captain with a lisp" Other blurts may be framed as questions such as :
"What was I about to say?" or "What were we just talking about?" or "Did I say that out loud?"
3 - Spousal ambiguity
Sometimes a spouse will ask a trick memory question like ,
"Do you know what day this is?"
If you can't remember there are several possible answers you can use. One answer is "It's our anniversary" phrased as either a question or a confident answer. You're playing the odds here as that is a pretty common date to forget and be punished for. Also, if you use it every time you will eventually be right. You can also play the "dumb card" and say "I think it's Wednesday", but don't do it too often as it loses its believability and charm in a hurry.
Interpreting spousal gibberish is also a challenge, but you can make it fun for both of you. Say your wife says to you,
"When going, remember the white"
Then watch your child's face go from confusion to amazement when you answer that of course you will pick up milk after going to the bank. This works on children of any age who will be impressed with how in sync you two are after so many years of marriage. You're actually just at similar stages of memory deterioration(known as co-senility) and you would have said the exact same thing if the situation was reversed. Please note that if spouses are more than 10 years different in age their memory loss may not be in sync. In this case a spouse may be unable to impress children and will have a response more along the lines of,
"What the hell are you talking about?" or, the ever famous,
"I'm not a mind reader."
This was going to be longer, but I forgot what else I wanted to say.
Monday, December 1, 2014
Studies Cause Cancer
Just a few years back a friend of mine told me I had to start
drinking red wine because it was good for my heart.My curiosity was
aroused as there have been heart issues in my family , so I asked how he
knew about this new health directive.
" A study came out proving it. I read it just the other day."
So, with this evidence, off to the liquor store I went to stock up on the elixir to extend my life. Screw exercise, I can drink my way to health.
Viva La France! Ah the French! They discovered how to live a long time with a high fat diet plus alcohol.
Supposedly the resveratrol, which is the key health substance in red wine, is an antioxidant which will do all kinds of great things for our cholesterol and arteries. Besides red wine there are numerous,though less fun antioxidant supplements marketed to us by large profit minded companies as well as fruit and juice companies. Crazy combination drinks are also marketed. All touting their massive health benefits.
But, later investigations showed that the benefits were only shown in mice and the human equivalent dosage is about 1,000 liters of red wine per day.(http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/heart-disease/in-depth/red-wine/art-20048281)
Saddened, I stopped drinking.After all, who can afford 1,000 liters of wine per day?And if I could, are there enough hours in a day to consume it all?I could barely finish my gallon of intestine emptier the night before my colonoscopy!And I have to think 1,000 litres(note the alternate spelling of liter) of wine,daily, could have rather bad consequences that more than offset the potential benefits.
Other studies have come to light saying that taking in loads of antioxidants may not be so good after all. I won't cite them all here.
This is just one example of a limited number of studies being used as marketing ploys. Citing a single study can launch an entire new business.
These are what I call the positive studies. If you do as your told, such as take a supplement,then positive things will happen for you. Then there are the negative studies.These tell you all of the bad things that will happen if you do something. One example is eating margarine will clog up your arteries and kill you. Several studies concluded this very thing. I cite my own study of my two grandmothers who used craploads(a crapload is more than a load,but less than a boatload) of margarine and lived to be 88 and 91 years old.Interestingly the butter industry lobbied successfully to have taxes added to margarine , and laws to keep it from being dyed yellow.The no dye rules lasted for decades.See mentalfloss.com.
Aside from the margarine studies there seems to be an endless supply of food studies showing that pretty much every food causes cancer. Of course these studies involve mice eating the human equivalent of 643 tons of the one food in question per year.
No one is immune to all of the hypes. People begin to worry what will happen to them if they don't believe the "science" presented to them in such a compelling way.
Studies are very important in very many areas. Clinicaltrials.gov shows 179,546 registered clinical trials.Studies abound in education,statistics, research, etc.Even studies of studies, but individual studies mean little by themselves. They may provide insights that lead research into specific areas. Unfortunately they lead companies to make false claims and very real profits.Hence the warnings on many supplements saying "These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration.This product is not intended to diagnose,treat,cure or prevent any disease." In other words you could very well be buying an expensive placebo.
So,with that in mind I must tell you that new studies reveal that so many new studies and their nonsense interpretations by media or marketing companies for profit are causing severe health issues for people including fear,anxiety,heart palpitations,skin lesions and depression. This has led to a new psychological condition called "Studiesaphobia". Of course fear, anxiety,and depression weaken the body making us prone to all kinds of diseases - even cancer.
So, stop paying attention to the study of the week. You'll be healthier for it.
" A study came out proving it. I read it just the other day."
So, with this evidence, off to the liquor store I went to stock up on the elixir to extend my life. Screw exercise, I can drink my way to health.
Viva La France! Ah the French! They discovered how to live a long time with a high fat diet plus alcohol.
Supposedly the resveratrol, which is the key health substance in red wine, is an antioxidant which will do all kinds of great things for our cholesterol and arteries. Besides red wine there are numerous,though less fun antioxidant supplements marketed to us by large profit minded companies as well as fruit and juice companies. Crazy combination drinks are also marketed. All touting their massive health benefits.
But, later investigations showed that the benefits were only shown in mice and the human equivalent dosage is about 1,000 liters of red wine per day.(http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/heart-disease/in-depth/red-wine/art-20048281)
Saddened, I stopped drinking.After all, who can afford 1,000 liters of wine per day?And if I could, are there enough hours in a day to consume it all?I could barely finish my gallon of intestine emptier the night before my colonoscopy!And I have to think 1,000 litres(note the alternate spelling of liter) of wine,daily, could have rather bad consequences that more than offset the potential benefits.
Other studies have come to light saying that taking in loads of antioxidants may not be so good after all. I won't cite them all here.
This is just one example of a limited number of studies being used as marketing ploys. Citing a single study can launch an entire new business.
These are what I call the positive studies. If you do as your told, such as take a supplement,then positive things will happen for you. Then there are the negative studies.These tell you all of the bad things that will happen if you do something. One example is eating margarine will clog up your arteries and kill you. Several studies concluded this very thing. I cite my own study of my two grandmothers who used craploads(a crapload is more than a load,but less than a boatload) of margarine and lived to be 88 and 91 years old.Interestingly the butter industry lobbied successfully to have taxes added to margarine , and laws to keep it from being dyed yellow.The no dye rules lasted for decades.See mentalfloss.com.
Aside from the margarine studies there seems to be an endless supply of food studies showing that pretty much every food causes cancer. Of course these studies involve mice eating the human equivalent of 643 tons of the one food in question per year.
No one is immune to all of the hypes. People begin to worry what will happen to them if they don't believe the "science" presented to them in such a compelling way.
Studies are very important in very many areas. Clinicaltrials.gov shows 179,546 registered clinical trials.Studies abound in education,statistics, research, etc.Even studies of studies, but individual studies mean little by themselves. They may provide insights that lead research into specific areas. Unfortunately they lead companies to make false claims and very real profits.Hence the warnings on many supplements saying "These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration.This product is not intended to diagnose,treat,cure or prevent any disease." In other words you could very well be buying an expensive placebo.
So,with that in mind I must tell you that new studies reveal that so many new studies and their nonsense interpretations by media or marketing companies for profit are causing severe health issues for people including fear,anxiety,heart palpitations,skin lesions and depression. This has led to a new psychological condition called "Studiesaphobia". Of course fear, anxiety,and depression weaken the body making us prone to all kinds of diseases - even cancer.
So, stop paying attention to the study of the week. You'll be healthier for it.
Sunday, November 23, 2014
New Easy to Use Health Program
I recently lost 27.65 pounds through a disciplined approach to eating and exercising. An accomplishment of which I was proud, but I also felt a bit fatigued by months of effort. So, I took a break. After all what harm could come from a few days of rest, relaxation and gross overeating? Probably nothing, but after 10 weeks of my break, I still weighed exactly the same and I felt great. I was baffled, but pleased. What had happened to keep me like this ? Could I have achieved my results without all of the sacrifice? I had to think about this.
My wife gave me my first clue when she mentioned that lately I had been thrashing around in my sleep at regular intervals. Throwing kicks and punches, stopping for a while and then repeating. Maybe I had restless leg syndrome. Or restless arm and leg syndrome.Or maybe some unexpressed rage. Whatever the catalyst was didn't matter as I realized I was exercising in my sleep!Burning calories, improving my physical conditioning and resting at the same time.
This epiphany(By the way an epiphany is a sudden realization and understanding also commonly referred to as "It hit me like a ton ofbricks chocolate covered cherries")lead to my development of the greatest and most pain free weight control and exercise program in the history of mankind(peoplekind? personkind?). All while resting!
I call it - SLEEPERCISE
This is no fly by night program. I consulted with the world famous husband and wife Chinese doctor team of :doctors Woo Hoo and Otch Hoo. I'm still not sure which was which, but I know Hoo's on first. They are not to be confused with the other famous Doctor Who, who spells his name differently and apparently still flies around the universe in the last remaining phone booth. Why doesn't he get a cell phone and phone home? Well that's two movie and one television reference thrown into one paragraph. How do I do it?
After minutes of painstaking research we perfected our program which basically changes the "No pain, no gain" mantra into "No pain, no sweat, no diet, no problem"
SLEEPERCISE is now available the public.
I know what you're thinking.
"A world changing program like this is priceless. It must cost thousands of dollars"
"Wrong"
"Hundreds?"
"Nope"
"Nothing?It's free?"
"Sort of"
"What?"
Just think of it as a donation. We don't care about profits. Just donate a measly $20 and we'll share the secrets of SLEEPERCISE with you personally.
Isn't your health and well being and gluttony and laziness worth it?
My wife gave me my first clue when she mentioned that lately I had been thrashing around in my sleep at regular intervals. Throwing kicks and punches, stopping for a while and then repeating. Maybe I had restless leg syndrome. Or restless arm and leg syndrome.Or maybe some unexpressed rage. Whatever the catalyst was didn't matter as I realized I was exercising in my sleep!Burning calories, improving my physical conditioning and resting at the same time.
This epiphany(By the way an epiphany is a sudden realization and understanding also commonly referred to as "It hit me like a ton of
I call it - SLEEPERCISE
This is no fly by night program. I consulted with the world famous husband and wife Chinese doctor team of :doctors Woo Hoo and Otch Hoo. I'm still not sure which was which, but I know Hoo's on first. They are not to be confused with the other famous Doctor Who, who spells his name differently and apparently still flies around the universe in the last remaining phone booth. Why doesn't he get a cell phone and phone home? Well that's two movie and one television reference thrown into one paragraph. How do I do it?
After minutes of painstaking research we perfected our program which basically changes the "No pain, no gain" mantra into "No pain, no sweat, no diet, no problem"
SLEEPERCISE is now available the public.
I know what you're thinking.
"A world changing program like this is priceless. It must cost thousands of dollars"
"Wrong"
"Hundreds?"
"Nope"
"Nothing?It's free?"
"Sort of"
"What?"
Just think of it as a donation. We don't care about profits. Just donate a measly $20 and we'll share the secrets of SLEEPERCISE with you personally.
Isn't your health and well being and gluttony and laziness worth it?
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Paper book vs. ebook - a Detailed Analysis
I've been reading for about 50 years now. I believe the first book I ever owned was called "The Carrot Seed" and was purchased through a school program. Not long after that I moved on to such classics as "Curious George Rides a Bike" and multiple Dr. Seuss titles. The experience of entering new worlds ,whether fact or fiction, while sitting on a couch or lying in bed at home was a life changing joy. It still is today.
In recent years , with the onslaught of ceaseless technological advancements, I have given in to using a kindle to do some of my reading. I have found some features of my kindle to be quite useful and some to be sorely lacking. Here is a scientific analysis of paper books versus ebooks.
1 - Readability.
My kindle offers a variety of type sizes that can quickly be changed to match my eye condition. Tired at night, I can change to larger type and read with no strain. Probably keeps me from falling asleep (not sure if that's a good or bad thing). If I want more words per page, I can easily change to a smaller size. Regular books have mostly the same size type, although there are now a lot of books with larger type. Still not all books are available with larger type and those that are tend to weigh a ton.Okay, not an actual ton, but enough for a nice hernia.Okay , hernias aren't nice, but substantial.
Advantage - ebook
2 - Portability.
When traveling, my less than a pound kindle can hold as many books as I want. No wasted suitcase/bag space and no tons of regular books to shlep. If I fall asleep in my lounge chair by the pool , my open paper book covers much more of my face than a kindle, so my traditional book or magazine will do a much better job of protecting my face from sunburn.
Big advantage - ebook
3 - Browsability.
When I read, I often like to go back to other parts of the book. It may be because I've forgotten something, or because I think I've figured something out. Or,if I'm reading non fiction I may want to go to the end and read a footnote from the chapter I'm reading or go back to make sure I understand a concept. With a kindle it can be quite a chore. The "go to" menu isn't very useful. I mean how do I know what location I want to go to unless I've memorized all 27,065 of them on the way? In my regular book, I can fan the pages and quickly find what I want and then return to my place, or I may say "I think it was 4 or 5 pages back" and get there easily. Most of the ebooks I've read did not have page numbers, so how many swipes is 4 or 5 pages?
Huge advantage - paper book
4 - Page turnability.
You wouldn't think that page turning contributes to the reading experience, but painstaking research indicates that it actually does. Page turning with a kindle can be done with either a right to left swipe or a tap on the right side of the page. Basically a simple operation although an angled swipe can send you forward or backward a chapter and a misplaced tap can send you back a page. With a paper book, however, actually feeling the paper texture as you turn the page is quite satisfying.Your sense of touch appears to activate more neurons in the brain, creating a better experience and more complete memory.(Normally a claim like this would have a footnote , but here is my footnote "Because I said so and you'll just have to take my word for it.Also, no mice were electrically shocked for proof.Possibly a few people, but no cute little mice.") Also the sound of page turning is surprisingly enjoyable, giving your completion of that page a certain finality. Even the smell of a book can be intoxicating. Or maybe I'm just sniffing the glue in the binding. Will that make me a book addict?Does that make my mind a terrible thing to waste or just terribly wasted?I guess that will be my next research project.
Surprisingly huge advantage - paper book
5 - Extras.
In this world of software bloat, you can darn well expect and receive extra functions that three people in a survey of 2,000,000 said everyone will want. My kindle is no different.Several of these are sharing, rating,reading progress, and note taking. First of all - note taking. I can write in the margins of my paper book easier than I can in a kindle. If I was a college student I could use my yellow highlighter and highlight 92% of my book erroneously expecting that it would enhance my understanding of "Ulysses", because of course it makes no sense. Hey, if you write a book that requires an entire semester course to understand , then you have failed as a writer, but succeeded as a pompous, egotistical asshole. But then who am I to say as I have never written a 1253 page book that got its own semester course at a major university.But, I digress. Next is reading progress. Do I really need to know that I will be done with my book in 17 hours and 43 minutes?That may actually be depressing if I find out that my neighbor's six year old read it in 3 hours and 11 minutes. Next up is sharing. If I want to share, I'll join a book club and actually converse with people face to face.But I probably won't as I really don't care how Maxine Shlempklumper interprets the imagery in " Kool Kens Magical Kabbalah Journey to the Center of the Milky Way and Back Again". Last of all is rating/reviews. Ratings and reviews are without a doubt the worst internet function ever created! Not just for books , but for everything. People think that reading all 12,000 reviews for something is research, so they'll spend 91 hours reading reviews to decide if they will buy a $20 dollar item. And after all of that "research" they might still be undecided. Stop wasting your time and buy the damn thing. You can probably return it if you don't like it anyway. And who are these reviewers? Some may be the most brilliant analytical thinkers, but some may eat their own boogers. I don't know them, so why should I want their opinion? I'd rather ask someone I know like my wife , son, parent, or friend.
All in all, the extras category earns the kindle the "3rd Testicle Award". A 3rd testicle being something that no one needs.
Humongous advantage - paper books
Conclusion.
Ebooks are inferior to paper books in the overall reading experience. Unlike other technological advances that enhance our lives, ebooks really add nothing. So, get up, go to the library, get a book, crack a binding and enjoy.
Rating system explanation.
Advantage = Okay it's a little better
Big Advantage = A little more than an "Advantage". Like putting in one more squirt of chocolate syrup when making chocolate milk.
Huge Advantage = Way more than a "Big Advantage". We almost called it "A Really, Really Big Advantage"
Surprisingly Huge Advantage = Not only a Huge Advantage, but the scientific community was surprised by the data. Since we were surprised , we figured you would like to know about it.
Humongous Advantage = This is the biggie. This is like an NBA team playing against a team of blind, handless people. No contest!Slam dunk! And no, we're not prejudiced against the blind and handless, they just suck at basketball. It's a fact.
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Foreskin: It's what's for breakfast!
I would like to correct a language error that has been around for some decades. That is the word "Brunch". People commonly use this term to mean a meal between breakfast and lunch.This is often consumed on the weekend with friends and/or family for about triple the cost of the same meal when bought at other times of the day. However, this is not an accurate definition. It is actually supposed to be called "Breach" or "Breanch" if you are from New England. In the southern hemisphere where things are generally backwards or upside down it is customary to refer to it as either "Lunst" or a mildly confusing "Lust" as the lunch part precedes the breakfast portion of the word.
The true origin of this word is far more interesting and goes back to the several thousand year old tradition of ritual circumcision. Although many cultures and religions perform these circumcisions, the first to do this were the Jewish people as they were commanded to in the Torah (referred to as the "Old Testament" by non-Jews). For those who do not know of this delightful tradition I will explain. God commanded the Jewish people that on the eighth day of a baby boy's life, an expert called a mohel, (pronounced moil, rhymes with oil) will hack the foreskin off the boy's penis with a machete. This is not as cruel as it sounds as the baby is given a drop or two of wine on a gauze pad, so he is drunk and just thinks someone has slammed his pecker in a car door. So that screaming you hear from a newly foreskin-free boy is just him yelling at his mother for being careless with the car door and please get some ice on that thing.
Well that sounds like fun, you say, but couldn't we just skip it? The answer is a resounding NO! Jews have a choice: chop off the foreskin or God chops off your soul! Not quite "an eye for an eye", but do you really want to risk your soul?Some Jews actually question god asking "Hey big guy, if you didn't want us to have foreskin, then why did you give it to us in the first place? And then we could just skip this thing altogether". But I know what you're thinking. As interesting as this is, what does this have to do with "Brunch"?
These ritual penis-carving ceremonies are typically done in the morning (sometimes in the afternoon if the Mohel is heavily booked, but forbidden at night) after which people are ready to celebrate. So, a delightful meal is served. typically in the late morning. Now this circumcision is called a "Brit" (pronounced bris, rhymes with bliss). Hence the "Br" from "Brit" combined with the "unch" from "Lunch" forms "Brunch".
So, the next time you are out for what you call "Brunch", please think of foreskin, blood, and screaming babies and enjoy your meal.
The true origin of this word is far more interesting and goes back to the several thousand year old tradition of ritual circumcision. Although many cultures and religions perform these circumcisions, the first to do this were the Jewish people as they were commanded to in the Torah (referred to as the "Old Testament" by non-Jews). For those who do not know of this delightful tradition I will explain. God commanded the Jewish people that on the eighth day of a baby boy's life, an expert called a mohel, (pronounced moil, rhymes with oil) will hack the foreskin off the boy's penis with a machete. This is not as cruel as it sounds as the baby is given a drop or two of wine on a gauze pad, so he is drunk and just thinks someone has slammed his pecker in a car door. So that screaming you hear from a newly foreskin-free boy is just him yelling at his mother for being careless with the car door and please get some ice on that thing.
Well that sounds like fun, you say, but couldn't we just skip it? The answer is a resounding NO! Jews have a choice: chop off the foreskin or God chops off your soul! Not quite "an eye for an eye", but do you really want to risk your soul?Some Jews actually question god asking "Hey big guy, if you didn't want us to have foreskin, then why did you give it to us in the first place? And then we could just skip this thing altogether". But I know what you're thinking. As interesting as this is, what does this have to do with "Brunch"?
These ritual penis-carving ceremonies are typically done in the morning (sometimes in the afternoon if the Mohel is heavily booked, but forbidden at night) after which people are ready to celebrate. So, a delightful meal is served. typically in the late morning. Now this circumcision is called a "Brit" (pronounced bris, rhymes with bliss). Hence the "Br" from "Brit" combined with the "unch" from "Lunch" forms "Brunch".
So, the next time you are out for what you call "Brunch", please think of foreskin, blood, and screaming babies and enjoy your meal.
Saturday, August 2, 2014
The Martians are hungry
I normally don't comment on anything political, but an interesting tidbit came up and I have to set the record straight. It seems that Congresswoman Michele Bachmann has said publicly that the president is using the migrant children so the US can perform medical experiments on them. She has offered no proof nor has she divulged her sources. You would think a person in congress would be reliable, but I know the reason she will not give proof or sources. I have inside information of my own and I'm going to share it with you so you can know the real unvarnished true story.
Some of you may know (but most do not) that we are under the sway of the Martians. They give us amazing and useful technology (Do you really believe that those drunken college kids actually invented Google, Facebook, Twitter, smart phones, etc?) and we give them Earth's resources in return. You know like air, water, Chipotle Burritos, etc.. Well, it seems that the Martians have entered a new phase of their 5000 year life cycle. They're entering a phase where they need to store more energy. Basically they are hungry. And their favorite food? Tender , juicy children, that's what!
So, after informing president Obama of their needs, the president concocted a brilliant plan. He would allow central american children to enter the US and say things like "I'm hungry" or "I want to go to school in the best country in the world" or "The drug cartels killed my mommy and I'm next". After the ultra rightists accused the the children of being terrorists and murderers and leaches sucking away all of America's resources , money and virgins, the president would whisk them away to the Martians to be made into baby meat stew, macaroni and child brains, and their favorite dessert, iced baby on a stick with chocolate syrup. Martians are suckers for chocolate. Not only would the president solve the migrant problem he so cleverly created , thus being a hero, he would save thousands of american children from being Martian entrees.
So now you know the real truth, rather than some half baked (Ha Ha - half baked is a great food pun for this article) unverified, nit wittery from , well a nit wit . Way to go 6th congressional district of Minnesota ! Keep electing entertainment over, I don't know, competence.
See this for more.
Some of you may know (but most do not) that we are under the sway of the Martians. They give us amazing and useful technology (Do you really believe that those drunken college kids actually invented Google, Facebook, Twitter, smart phones, etc?) and we give them Earth's resources in return. You know like air, water, Chipotle Burritos, etc.. Well, it seems that the Martians have entered a new phase of their 5000 year life cycle. They're entering a phase where they need to store more energy. Basically they are hungry. And their favorite food? Tender , juicy children, that's what!
So, after informing president Obama of their needs, the president concocted a brilliant plan. He would allow central american children to enter the US and say things like "I'm hungry" or "I want to go to school in the best country in the world" or "The drug cartels killed my mommy and I'm next". After the ultra rightists accused the the children of being terrorists and murderers and leaches sucking away all of America's resources , money and virgins, the president would whisk them away to the Martians to be made into baby meat stew, macaroni and child brains, and their favorite dessert, iced baby on a stick with chocolate syrup. Martians are suckers for chocolate. Not only would the president solve the migrant problem he so cleverly created , thus being a hero, he would save thousands of american children from being Martian entrees.
So now you know the real truth, rather than some half baked (Ha Ha - half baked is a great food pun for this article) unverified, nit wittery from , well a nit wit . Way to go 6th congressional district of Minnesota ! Keep electing entertainment over, I don't know, competence.
See this for more.
Saturday, July 19, 2014
Jigsaw Puzzles - Why?
I have a jigsaw puzzle on my dining room table. It's a Star Trek puzzle. The original series. With Kirk, Spock and the gang. You know, the good one. Not like that "Next Generation" nonsense where every episode involved wormholes and the captain with the French name had a perfect English accent . No, this is the real thing, the trendsetter, the one with $25 sets, decent stories, a star who could not act, and a man who made a synagogue hand gesture into the most recognized symbol in science fiction.
But, this is not about the TV show, but about jigsaw puzzles. Mine has been on the table for about 44 weeks and in another 700 pieces this 1000 piece beauty will be done. So, in another two years or so I will have a completed puzzle to break apart and put back into its box. Why you ask? Well, that's the way it is done. That's what the clever puzzle people are counting on when you get a puzzle. Make it, break it, buy another. So, they get a famous(ish) picture, print thousands of them on cardboard and cut them to pieces so people can have the challenge of putting them back together. Why not just buy the picture and hang it on the wall? This will save a great deal of time and when you need your table you won't have to try sliding your partially done puzzle onto a piece of cardboard.
Some people do enjoy this pastime and do many such puzzles. Some do it once or twice, or less. Here is the progression of puzzle doing for the one timers (me). First week you're interested and do 50-75 pieces.
Second week is still good, about 40-50 pieces. After this the "inverse time - puzzle law" goes into effect and as each week goes by less pieces are found. In fact, after several months you will no longer even notice it at all. It will become just another decoration or houseplant.It's there , but it's no longer part of your reality.
If you feel you must try jigsaw puzzling (and many are seduced into thinking it will be a joyful pastime and make you seem smart), here are the prerequisites:
1 - You must have spare time. Otherwise known as time on your hands or time to kill. This is ideal if you are in prison.
2 - You need good eyesight. Both acuity and color. Otherwise you will find that all the damn pieces look the damn same.
3 - You must be patient. In other words you must like boredom. Maybe watching paint dry is your thing. If so, perfect.
4 - You must play by the rules and break the puzzle apart after finishing and taking a picture to prove you actually completed the puzzle. No cheating by gluing and framing and hanging the finished piece and having actual physical proof.
So, if you must then go do a puzzle . But don't tell me.
But, this is not about the TV show, but about jigsaw puzzles. Mine has been on the table for about 44 weeks and in another 700 pieces this 1000 piece beauty will be done. So, in another two years or so I will have a completed puzzle to break apart and put back into its box. Why you ask? Well, that's the way it is done. That's what the clever puzzle people are counting on when you get a puzzle. Make it, break it, buy another. So, they get a famous(ish) picture, print thousands of them on cardboard and cut them to pieces so people can have the challenge of putting them back together. Why not just buy the picture and hang it on the wall? This will save a great deal of time and when you need your table you won't have to try sliding your partially done puzzle onto a piece of cardboard.
Some people do enjoy this pastime and do many such puzzles. Some do it once or twice, or less. Here is the progression of puzzle doing for the one timers (me). First week you're interested and do 50-75 pieces.
Second week is still good, about 40-50 pieces. After this the "inverse time - puzzle law" goes into effect and as each week goes by less pieces are found. In fact, after several months you will no longer even notice it at all. It will become just another decoration or houseplant.It's there , but it's no longer part of your reality.
If you feel you must try jigsaw puzzling (and many are seduced into thinking it will be a joyful pastime and make you seem smart), here are the prerequisites:
1 - You must have spare time. Otherwise known as time on your hands or time to kill. This is ideal if you are in prison.
2 - You need good eyesight. Both acuity and color. Otherwise you will find that all the damn pieces look the damn same.
3 - You must be patient. In other words you must like boredom. Maybe watching paint dry is your thing. If so, perfect.
4 - You must play by the rules and break the puzzle apart after finishing and taking a picture to prove you actually completed the puzzle. No cheating by gluing and framing and hanging the finished piece and having actual physical proof.
So, if you must then go do a puzzle . But don't tell me.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Get a bike
Like many, I have tried many types of exercise, exercise equipment and gyms.
None ever worked for long. Not because I didn't want to be a super fit , studly
looking guy ,
but because exercise is BORING and often PAINFUL.After a while you come up with
excuses to do shorter sessions and then skip them all together. Or a minor
injury can set you back a couple of weeks and then you just lose interest. In
my forties I even tried yoga. My reasoning being what could be more fun than
going into a 95 degree room with a bunch of mostly younger women and
twisting yourself into a pretzel while trying not to pass gas?Alas for me, yoga
too did pass.
So what was I to do? Now past 50 and getting - pick your favorite adjective - puffy, meaty, paunchy, fleshy, pudgy. I was actually
starting to look like pictures of my grandfather!Admittedly a handsome guy, but
he passed away very young. Maybe a partner would help, like Sharon - pick your favorite noun - spouse, better half, partner, wife. What
could we do together? I knew a lot of people had taken up bike riding in recent years
and it seemed pretty safe(hah! Tell that to my knees) to me. Not wanting a poor quality bike or to spend a boatload of money, I found
and emailed several nearby bike shops about buying good used bikes. It was
January of 2013 leaving me plenty of time to weigh options. Only one of them
answered me. No, they did not sell used bikes , but did have a tent sale every
spring they informed me.Since they were courteous enough to answer, I figured
they would be good to deal with. So , at the end of April 2013 I headed to Deerfield Cyclery.
About a thousand bucks later, we had two hybrid bikes, two helmets, two water bottles, two cages, two kickstands and one basket tossed in for free (for Sharon).
Now for the fun part that I envisioned. Riding dozens of miles together on perfect windless, cloudless, 72 degree days. Instead for May and June of 2013 it basically rained every day. Finally a nice day came and after work I leaped onto my bicycle determined to go on a lengthy ride. Three miles later I stopped , gasping for breath and with unexpected pain in various parts of my body.Still, I wouldn't be beaten so easily and soon got back in(on?) the saddle. And again and again. Three miles became four, then five, then six. Finally one weekend I made it to double digit miles. Now I was hooked. Somehow being outside in the elements, with only my own thoughts made riding more than exercise. Yes there is the challenge of going a little farther or a little faster. Or conquering a slight elevation like it was a steep mountain grade(yes there are tons of mountain roads in northeast Illinois) in the Tour de France. But finally - exercise that I enjoyed. By October I had lost 25 pounds (a typical success story for many new overweight riders) and gone on a 25 mile ride. Not far for many riders, but a big achievement for me.
This led to new goals, such as learning to fall gracefully after "clipping in" for the first time (or two times.Okay three times). Learning the difference between a seat post, seat tube and seat stay. Apparently bike riding is far more complex than when I was a kid. Today degrees or at least advanced knowledge of engineering, technology, nutrition, biomechanics, etc. are required. The learning curve is steep, but unlike my younger days I am now a good student.
Science and fatigue aside, there's nothing like a nice day for a ride on the Des Plaines river trail or the North Branch trail to enjoy yourself and forget your troubles. So get a bike and ride. Contact me if you like. I can use some company.
About a thousand bucks later, we had two hybrid bikes, two helmets, two water bottles, two cages, two kickstands and one basket tossed in for free (for Sharon).
Now for the fun part that I envisioned. Riding dozens of miles together on perfect windless, cloudless, 72 degree days. Instead for May and June of 2013 it basically rained every day. Finally a nice day came and after work I leaped onto my bicycle determined to go on a lengthy ride. Three miles later I stopped , gasping for breath and with unexpected pain in various parts of my body.Still, I wouldn't be beaten so easily and soon got back in(on?) the saddle. And again and again. Three miles became four, then five, then six. Finally one weekend I made it to double digit miles. Now I was hooked. Somehow being outside in the elements, with only my own thoughts made riding more than exercise. Yes there is the challenge of going a little farther or a little faster. Or conquering a slight elevation like it was a steep mountain grade(yes there are tons of mountain roads in northeast Illinois) in the Tour de France. But finally - exercise that I enjoyed. By October I had lost 25 pounds (a typical success story for many new overweight riders) and gone on a 25 mile ride. Not far for many riders, but a big achievement for me.
This led to new goals, such as learning to fall gracefully after "clipping in" for the first time (or two times.Okay three times). Learning the difference between a seat post, seat tube and seat stay. Apparently bike riding is far more complex than when I was a kid. Today degrees or at least advanced knowledge of engineering, technology, nutrition, biomechanics, etc. are required. The learning curve is steep, but unlike my younger days I am now a good student.
Science and fatigue aside, there's nothing like a nice day for a ride on the Des Plaines river trail or the North Branch trail to enjoy yourself and forget your troubles. So get a bike and ride. Contact me if you like. I can use some company.
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Einstein's a Chicken
For as long as I can remember, people who commit cowardly acts or run away from a fight have been called "Chicken". Most likely this stems from rural homes and small farms where chickens were raised and often would grabbed from the coop by a family member, beheaded and prepared for dinner. When some one would come, the chickens would run wild to get away and avoid death. Now I've read that a chicken has an IQ of about 6-7, but running from certain death seems more intelligent than standing your ground in a fight you're certain to lose.
I mean imagine that your hanging around in your back yard having a beer and some nuts when suddenly you see some giant creature 50 times your size coming at you with a giant axe and looking hungry. You also remember last week when the same creature came and grabbed your next door neighbor by the throat, chopped his head off, laughed and left with him saying "mmm, mmm, mmm you'll fry up nicely". What would yo do? Break your beer bottle and say "Come and get some of this!"? Or would you run like hell and maybe live?
In 1856 in Crimea, the Light brigade charged and were slaughtered. For this they were immortalized in poem. Had they been smart enough to run away, they may have lived to fight another day.
Had Napoleon been as smart as a chicken, he would have run away from Russia and 500, 000 French deaths would have been averted.
So, it seems to me that being a chicken is a good thing and chickens are actually geniuses. Move over Einstein.
I mean imagine that your hanging around in your back yard having a beer and some nuts when suddenly you see some giant creature 50 times your size coming at you with a giant axe and looking hungry. You also remember last week when the same creature came and grabbed your next door neighbor by the throat, chopped his head off, laughed and left with him saying "mmm, mmm, mmm you'll fry up nicely". What would yo do? Break your beer bottle and say "Come and get some of this!"? Or would you run like hell and maybe live?
In 1856 in Crimea, the Light brigade charged and were slaughtered. For this they were immortalized in poem. Had they been smart enough to run away, they may have lived to fight another day.
Had Napoleon been as smart as a chicken, he would have run away from Russia and 500, 000 French deaths would have been averted.
So, it seems to me that being a chicken is a good thing and chickens are actually geniuses. Move over Einstein.
Big Bucks
I just realized that I have an Ad sense account. SO, I just checked and found that after six years and 48 posts, I have amassed 50 Cents! That's right half a buck! If I round up it's actually an entire dollar. Now I get this internet advertising revenue thing. I write stuff. You read stuff. You click on seductive ads and go to websites that sell you stuff. The company sends Google $500 (about) just for the click and Google gives me a penny. At least they will when I have accumulated $10, which will be in about 117 more years.
UNLESS, I blog everyday and you click on all of the ads to buy stuff. Then it's Cha-Ching and early retirement for me.
SO , what are you waiting for?
UNLESS, I blog everyday and you click on all of the ads to buy stuff. Then it's Cha-Ching and early retirement for me.
SO , what are you waiting for?
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Big Questions
Does Facebook have a Facebook page?
Would Wikipedia have the answer?
Has the internet made hypothetical questions obsolete?
If so, then why should we bother to ask questions?
And if we don't bother to ask the questions, why do we need the internet?
Maybe I'll ask my smart phone.
Would Wikipedia have the answer?
Has the internet made hypothetical questions obsolete?
If so, then why should we bother to ask questions?
And if we don't bother to ask the questions, why do we need the internet?
Maybe I'll ask my smart phone.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Team Names
Did you ever stop to think about team names and mascots? At both the college and professional levels there are many names that are fitting. for example the Chicago Bears football team is well named. After all a bear is a huge ferocious beast that is fast and powerful. Perfect name. The Chicago Cubs baseball team is another perfect name. The name stands for a cute, cuddly baby animal that strikes fear into absolutely no opponent. But some names make no sense or are very inappropriate. For these I would like to suggest some alternatives.
I'll start with my Alma Mater, the illustrious University of Illinois Illini or Fighting Illini. For starters naming teams for native Americans is now considered politically incorrect, although Fighting Illini is no where close to Washington Redskins in the disgustingly inappropriate department. Then you have the fact that the Illini weren't even a tribe, but a confederation of a bunch of tribes spread throughout the midwest. It is estimated that the total population was about 2000. How much fighting could 2000 people spread out over 100,000 square miles actually do? So the "Fighting" Illini probably didn't fight much. They also disappeared a long time ago. Now the U of I was founded largely as an agriculture school. It's still a very large part of the university today. In fact when the undergraduate library was built , it had to be built underground so it wouldn't interfere with an experimental corn plot. So, I would like to suggest a much more fitting and worthy name and mascot for U of I.
The Illinois Genetically Modified Corn. GMO Corn for short. Of course the mascot would be an ear of corn. When the football team scores or wins we could have popcorn shooting all over the place. I'm sure Orville Redenbacher (or however the heck you spell that name) would be glad to be a sponsor.
Continuing with Illinois teams, I have to go to the Chicago Fire soccer team. They actually named their team after Chicago's worst tragedy. In 1871 200 people were killed and 70,000 left homeless as Chicago was nearly obliterated. That's the fire Chicago is famous for and no matter what they say is the source of the team name. Great choice. How about the Chicago Arson Cows for the famous cow that legend claims started the fire?
Finally, I saved the Chicago White Sox for the last Chicago team. Named for clothing! The least popular clothing item of them all. Really? For a sports team? What's the matter was jockstraps taken? If you're going to use clothing, how about something classy like the Chicago Tuxedos? Or the Chicago Armani Suits? If you must stay with footwear how about the Chicago Spikes? At least that sounds tougher than the Chicago Flip Flops.
What's even goofier is that there is also a Red Sox franchise. Chicago and Boston must have had a coin flip for the last two names. Chicago lost. Red is much cooler than white for sox. I mean white sox are ubiquitous and boring compared to red. I know these teams were named more than a hundred years ago, but surely there were other options. Maybe Baseball pioneers had some strange foot fetish thing going on.
If you want something more modern for a Chicago team how about the Chicago Taxation, or the Chicago Ridiculously Over Priced Parking Meters. Or the fearsome, Chicago More Murders Than Afghanistan in 2012. Oh wait that last one could be the new city slogan.
I'll start with my Alma Mater, the illustrious University of Illinois Illini or Fighting Illini. For starters naming teams for native Americans is now considered politically incorrect, although Fighting Illini is no where close to Washington Redskins in the disgustingly inappropriate department. Then you have the fact that the Illini weren't even a tribe, but a confederation of a bunch of tribes spread throughout the midwest. It is estimated that the total population was about 2000. How much fighting could 2000 people spread out over 100,000 square miles actually do? So the "Fighting" Illini probably didn't fight much. They also disappeared a long time ago. Now the U of I was founded largely as an agriculture school. It's still a very large part of the university today. In fact when the undergraduate library was built , it had to be built underground so it wouldn't interfere with an experimental corn plot. So, I would like to suggest a much more fitting and worthy name and mascot for U of I.
The Illinois Genetically Modified Corn. GMO Corn for short. Of course the mascot would be an ear of corn. When the football team scores or wins we could have popcorn shooting all over the place. I'm sure Orville Redenbacher (or however the heck you spell that name) would be glad to be a sponsor.
Continuing with Illinois teams, I have to go to the Chicago Fire soccer team. They actually named their team after Chicago's worst tragedy. In 1871 200 people were killed and 70,000 left homeless as Chicago was nearly obliterated. That's the fire Chicago is famous for and no matter what they say is the source of the team name. Great choice. How about the Chicago Arson Cows for the famous cow that legend claims started the fire?
Finally, I saved the Chicago White Sox for the last Chicago team. Named for clothing! The least popular clothing item of them all. Really? For a sports team? What's the matter was jockstraps taken? If you're going to use clothing, how about something classy like the Chicago Tuxedos? Or the Chicago Armani Suits? If you must stay with footwear how about the Chicago Spikes? At least that sounds tougher than the Chicago Flip Flops.
What's even goofier is that there is also a Red Sox franchise. Chicago and Boston must have had a coin flip for the last two names. Chicago lost. Red is much cooler than white for sox. I mean white sox are ubiquitous and boring compared to red. I know these teams were named more than a hundred years ago, but surely there were other options. Maybe Baseball pioneers had some strange foot fetish thing going on.
If you want something more modern for a Chicago team how about the Chicago Taxation, or the Chicago Ridiculously Over Priced Parking Meters. Or the fearsome, Chicago More Murders Than Afghanistan in 2012. Oh wait that last one could be the new city slogan.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
What's in a name
In my previous post, I mentioned a famous actress naming her child Apple, after the giant tech company that dominates the universe. After an enormous amount of feedback (okay, actually no feedback except in my own head, but that doesn't sound as impressive for such a hugely followed blogger like myself) I realized that she (okay it's Gwyneth Paltrow as you may have heard) may actually have named her daughter after a piece of fruit. Possibly so that one day she could say to her daughter "You are the apple of my eye". I've got a degree in biology , but I don't remember apples actually being part of an eye. I may have missed class that day, or that semester. Anyway I doubt that an apple in your eye would really be a good thing, but the phrase is generally considered complimentary. The problem is that the name brings an incomplete image to mind and so it needs a descriptive middle name. How about Apple Granny Smith Paltrow?Or maybe Apple Red Not So Delicious Paltrow.( I don't know Gwynee's hubby's name so we will use Paltrow for the last name).
What about Apple Fuji Paltrow? Wait that would need an extra middle name for clarification - Apple Fuji Not To Be Confused With The Photo Paper Company Paltrow.
Being named after a piece of fruit can be lonely, so more people need start naming their children after fruit. One day maybe some fruit named child can say "Oh I can't wait to see uncle Seedless Watermelon for Christmas" or "Look what aunt Ugli fruit gave me for my birthday!" If Grape married Ugli fruit, would their children be grapefruit?
But why stop there? Don't leave out the vegetables. What could be more heartwarming than a vegan couple bringing home their new baby and saying "Tasteless Edamame, meet you new baby sister Krunchy Carrot"? By the way how did you like my clever alternative spelling for crunchy?
Why stop with produce? Prepared foods, meats, cheeses, drinks - all can be good names. Maybe one day Apple can have a daughter named Appletini.
Maybe one day I will have a grandson named Bagel Dog With Dr. Brown's Wild Cherry.
Now that I think of it Gwyneth may be on to something. Maybe fruit names can replace those overused, stuffy biblical names.
What about Apple Fuji Paltrow? Wait that would need an extra middle name for clarification - Apple Fuji Not To Be Confused With The Photo Paper Company Paltrow.
Being named after a piece of fruit can be lonely, so more people need start naming their children after fruit. One day maybe some fruit named child can say "Oh I can't wait to see uncle Seedless Watermelon for Christmas" or "Look what aunt Ugli fruit gave me for my birthday!" If Grape married Ugli fruit, would their children be grapefruit?
But why stop there? Don't leave out the vegetables. What could be more heartwarming than a vegan couple bringing home their new baby and saying "Tasteless Edamame, meet you new baby sister Krunchy Carrot"? By the way how did you like my clever alternative spelling for crunchy?
Why stop with produce? Prepared foods, meats, cheeses, drinks - all can be good names. Maybe one day Apple can have a daughter named Appletini.
Maybe one day I will have a grandson named Bagel Dog With Dr. Brown's Wild Cherry.
Now that I think of it Gwyneth may be on to something. Maybe fruit names can replace those overused, stuffy biblical names.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Email source
I got three emails today. Two of them ended by telling me they were sent from an i phone. Do I really need to know that? Who gives a crap?Am I supposed to be impressed?Does Apple really need this kind of marketing? They already account for 22% of the GDP. A famous actress even named her daughter "Apple" (I guess I'm old school. I named my kids "fax machine" and "Windows 95")
Anyway, I don't care if you sent it from your fancy high tech gadget while on a bullet train to work, drinking your girlie Starbucks drink or from your crummy Pentium three desktop from 1996 complete with 14" CRT monitor, in your basement, drinking nuked three day old coffee.
Now if you're sending me an email from a nuclear submarine at the bottom of the arctic ocean about to launch world war three at Russia, feel free to brag to me about the source of your email. At the end of that email you can say "this email sent from the bottom of the sea moments before the end of the world". Now that would be impressive.
By the way, definition of a "girlie" Starbucks drink - Any coffee that contains one or more of the following and is purchased by a man: whipped cream, nutmeg, cinnamon, steamed milk, flavored syrup or sprinkles. If you are a girl, it is okay to have a "girlie" drink. Hot chocolate is exempt from this as there is no coffee involved.
If you are a girl , don't be offended by "girlie" drinks. Everyone knows that women are better than men, so men have to be tough and manly.
So, when men get their 200 degree coffee they should forgo the use of sleeves on their cups. Just grab that cup and let your hand sizzle and the flesh will melt just enough to help the cup stick to your hand.
Final note - Paul inspired me to write today.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Award This!
Every year the Academy awards show is televised to a huge audience. For 2011 viewership was 37.6 million. For weeks prior to the show itself we are inundated with shows and news segments devoted to guessing who will be nominated and after nominations are announced who was snubbed and who should win. I haven't checked, but I'm sure you can bet on who will win in any Las Vegas casino. On the day of the big event entire shows are dedicated to judging the stars as they arrive. The insults fly here including who's hair looks like it was styled in a blender and who's make up was done by a blind monkey. Of course which stick figure shaped star is wearing which famous designer is of utmost importance. And the shoes! How can she wear those with that dress?
And the awards are numerous to say the least. Not just best movie, best actor, best actress, but hundreds of others as thrilling as best screen play adapted from a comic book, best sound editing in a documentary and best costume design in a nudist colony movie. For people in the movie industry that's fine, but for everyone else - WHO GIVES A CRAP?
It's an industry awards show! Would you watch an awards show for seatbelt makers, or widget designers or brick makers? NO - no one gives a rat's ass (of course no one wants to receive a rat's ass either). As long as my seatbelt works a drunken sea monkey could have been the award winning designer. As long as the bricks of my house don't crumble an elephant could have hand crafted them from her own dung. I DON'T CARE! And neither should you. It's got nothing to do with you.
And the show itself? I can imagine that being forced to endure these boring hours would be a prime punishment in Hell. first we get one or two celebrities who can't resist the spotlight to host the show. they alternate uninspired, boring lines with introductions to a bevy of 20 second long snippets of movie performances. After each snippet the camera focuses on the individual featured hoping for some reaction to seeing themselves. Possibly smiling, possibly acting non chalant, or maybe picking their nose.
Finally we must endure the the winners' speeches. A stultifying minute or two filled with thanks to everyone in the known universe ending with the charming yet unimaginative comment telling the children that now they have to go to bed. I guess loser's children get to stay up all night.
All of this evening was created just because some clever hollywoodians said "If we dress up the actors and actresses really nice we can sell advertising and make some bucks."
Movies can certainly be entertaining. The overall experience created by talented groups of people can can elicit a great range of emotions. But to claim interest in the mundane aspects of creating a movie? Come on! But don't pretend to care unless you can watch a movie and honestly say afterwards things like
"Wow-what great editing, it really made the movie"
Or
"Look at those caveman outfits , they are so authentic looking. If it wasn't for the costume designer this movie would blow!"
Or
"Man, the sound engineer was amazing. If those explosions were 5 decibels lower I would hate this movie"
Yes, creating a movie requires many talented people working as a team on many aspects. THEY should care about their product and honor their peers. But you aren't one of them, so just go watch a movie and enjoy.
And the awards are numerous to say the least. Not just best movie, best actor, best actress, but hundreds of others as thrilling as best screen play adapted from a comic book, best sound editing in a documentary and best costume design in a nudist colony movie. For people in the movie industry that's fine, but for everyone else - WHO GIVES A CRAP?
It's an industry awards show! Would you watch an awards show for seatbelt makers, or widget designers or brick makers? NO - no one gives a rat's ass (of course no one wants to receive a rat's ass either). As long as my seatbelt works a drunken sea monkey could have been the award winning designer. As long as the bricks of my house don't crumble an elephant could have hand crafted them from her own dung. I DON'T CARE! And neither should you. It's got nothing to do with you.
And the show itself? I can imagine that being forced to endure these boring hours would be a prime punishment in Hell. first we get one or two celebrities who can't resist the spotlight to host the show. they alternate uninspired, boring lines with introductions to a bevy of 20 second long snippets of movie performances. After each snippet the camera focuses on the individual featured hoping for some reaction to seeing themselves. Possibly smiling, possibly acting non chalant, or maybe picking their nose.
Finally we must endure the the winners' speeches. A stultifying minute or two filled with thanks to everyone in the known universe ending with the charming yet unimaginative comment telling the children that now they have to go to bed. I guess loser's children get to stay up all night.
All of this evening was created just because some clever hollywoodians said "If we dress up the actors and actresses really nice we can sell advertising and make some bucks."
Movies can certainly be entertaining. The overall experience created by talented groups of people can can elicit a great range of emotions. But to claim interest in the mundane aspects of creating a movie? Come on! But don't pretend to care unless you can watch a movie and honestly say afterwards things like
"Wow-what great editing, it really made the movie"
Or
"Look at those caveman outfits , they are so authentic looking. If it wasn't for the costume designer this movie would blow!"
Or
"Man, the sound engineer was amazing. If those explosions were 5 decibels lower I would hate this movie"
Yes, creating a movie requires many talented people working as a team on many aspects. THEY should care about their product and honor their peers. But you aren't one of them, so just go watch a movie and enjoy.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Stupid signs
I believe it was 1975 when the state of Illinois passed a law allowing cars to turn right at red lights. Very soon after signs began appearing at many intersections that said "no right turn on red" Okay, I can understand that some busy , high speed intersections can be dangerous. But soon after that other signs began appearing underneath the "no right turn on red" signs. In smaller print these new signs said "When pedestrians are present" Hey , I think that is already a main rule of the road.
They actually teach that in Driver's Ed. In the book it expressly says "Don't maim or kill pedestrians. It's really, really bad". Not only shouldn't you run over people while turning right, but also when turning left, going straight, backing up and even when parking.
Do we really need signs that tell you not to do something and then tell you that , yes it's okay to do something, unless of course you shouldn't because you may violate a law. And you don't want to break a law.
And that's not the only sign under the "no right turn on red". You may come across this sign underneath the "No right turn on red" sign:
"On school days when children are present"
Recently, I was horrified at running over a child during a turn. I quickly jammed on my brakes in the middle of traffic and pulled out my calender. Boy, was I relieved to find that it was Martin Luther King day and there was no school that day. I drove away feeling pleased at having taught that child an important lesson. I'm sure he won't be trying to cross a street again on a non-school day!
How about this poetic gem? "Click it or Ticket" Not click it because we're concerned for your safety. No. Just do it or pay! That's right, just because we said so.
Or one of my favorites "Buckle up. It's the law" Hey , thanks for the heads up. Got any other laws you can inform me about? How about a sign that says "No drive by shootings. It's the law" or isn't that important enough to remind people? or maybe "No prostitutes from here to corner unless you pay off local cop. It's the unwritten law"
My all time favorite is this one: "Don't drive drunk" Can this possibly work?Isn't it a little late? If a drunk is driving will he be able to read it without crashing into it? Or will the drunk say "Holy crap, It says not to do this. I better pull into a parking lot and sleep it off" I know what you're saying. The sign is for people who are not drunk yet! Well I'm not sure how many people get their legal and moral education by reading road signs, but my guess is somewhere less than one. And what would that be like? Would some woman about to have her 5th mojito say " I saw a sign before that said not to drink and drive, so forget that drink. I'm stopping now"
And "don't drive drunk" unfairly excludes driving after other impairments.
How about "no driving after taking crack cocaine" or "no driving after abusing prescription drugs"? Or " Don't drive while blind" Or "Don't let your monkey drive"?
There are getting to be so many signs that we are running out of space. So, I have developed the combo sign. Now each sign can have multiple messages. Here are some examples:
"Don't kill, but adopt a stray puppy"
"Don't steal - use birth control"
"Don't commit armed robbery and don't litter"
" Be an Illinois governor and be honest"
I think I would like to own the sign contract with the state of Illinios
They actually teach that in Driver's Ed. In the book it expressly says "Don't maim or kill pedestrians. It's really, really bad". Not only shouldn't you run over people while turning right, but also when turning left, going straight, backing up and even when parking.
Do we really need signs that tell you not to do something and then tell you that , yes it's okay to do something, unless of course you shouldn't because you may violate a law. And you don't want to break a law.
And that's not the only sign under the "no right turn on red". You may come across this sign underneath the "No right turn on red" sign:
"On school days when children are present"
Recently, I was horrified at running over a child during a turn. I quickly jammed on my brakes in the middle of traffic and pulled out my calender. Boy, was I relieved to find that it was Martin Luther King day and there was no school that day. I drove away feeling pleased at having taught that child an important lesson. I'm sure he won't be trying to cross a street again on a non-school day!
How about this poetic gem? "Click it or Ticket" Not click it because we're concerned for your safety. No. Just do it or pay! That's right, just because we said so.
Or one of my favorites "Buckle up. It's the law" Hey , thanks for the heads up. Got any other laws you can inform me about? How about a sign that says "No drive by shootings. It's the law" or isn't that important enough to remind people? or maybe "No prostitutes from here to corner unless you pay off local cop. It's the unwritten law"
My all time favorite is this one: "Don't drive drunk" Can this possibly work?Isn't it a little late? If a drunk is driving will he be able to read it without crashing into it? Or will the drunk say "Holy crap, It says not to do this. I better pull into a parking lot and sleep it off" I know what you're saying. The sign is for people who are not drunk yet! Well I'm not sure how many people get their legal and moral education by reading road signs, but my guess is somewhere less than one. And what would that be like? Would some woman about to have her 5th mojito say " I saw a sign before that said not to drink and drive, so forget that drink. I'm stopping now"
And "don't drive drunk" unfairly excludes driving after other impairments.
How about "no driving after taking crack cocaine" or "no driving after abusing prescription drugs"? Or " Don't drive while blind" Or "Don't let your monkey drive"?
There are getting to be so many signs that we are running out of space. So, I have developed the combo sign. Now each sign can have multiple messages. Here are some examples:
"Don't kill, but adopt a stray puppy"
"Don't steal - use birth control"
"Don't commit armed robbery and don't litter"
" Be an Illinois governor and be honest"
I think I would like to own the sign contract with the state of Illinios
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Bought and paid for
Stopping corruption in our government could very well be the most important issue of our time.
The power of Lobbying and the money they spread is hard to contain.
One possible solution involves allowing them to deal out as much money as they desire, but control the congress and senate.
When a judge finds that he/she has a personal connection in a case then he/she must recuse themself from the case.
Since campaign contributions must be accounted for it is easy see which office holders have received donations from which lobbies.
When a bill comes up for a vote, the senators or congresspersons who received donations from a lobby directly affected by said bill must recuse themselves from voting on the bill.
This way a lobby gets to plead their case, but not influence the outcome with money, but only the soundness of their arguement.
There should also be a limit on how many times each year that a senator or congressman may recuse themselves without penalty.
Possibly if they recuse themselves in more than 5% of the bills voted on each year, they should be fired from their position and lose their pension. The reason being, that if they are receiving that many campaign donations, then they are in business for themselves rather than taking care of constituents business and doing what they are elected to do.
The power of Lobbying and the money they spread is hard to contain.
One possible solution involves allowing them to deal out as much money as they desire, but control the congress and senate.
When a judge finds that he/she has a personal connection in a case then he/she must recuse themself from the case.
Since campaign contributions must be accounted for it is easy see which office holders have received donations from which lobbies.
When a bill comes up for a vote, the senators or congresspersons who received donations from a lobby directly affected by said bill must recuse themselves from voting on the bill.
This way a lobby gets to plead their case, but not influence the outcome with money, but only the soundness of their arguement.
There should also be a limit on how many times each year that a senator or congressman may recuse themselves without penalty.
Possibly if they recuse themselves in more than 5% of the bills voted on each year, they should be fired from their position and lose their pension. The reason being, that if they are receiving that many campaign donations, then they are in business for themselves rather than taking care of constituents business and doing what they are elected to do.
New dessert
As a foodaholic, I've decided to create some new desserts. First up is my new creation - Donut pie.
By combining the fried, artery clogging goodness of donuts with the diabetic coma inducing sweetness of pie I believe this new creation will send the culinary world screaming with joy.
As with great wine and food pairings, the proper donut - pie pairing is essential for the perfect dessert experience. For example a Rhubarb pie and chocolate cake donut combo could be vomit inducing, which could be fun if you feed it to your drunk friend at 3:00 in the morning, but certainly wouldn't be taste bud pleasing . For the delicate flavor of rhubarb you need a strawberry jelly donut.
Other pairings I have devised include:
Peanut donut crumbled atop pecan pie
Blueberry donut on blueberry pie
For those who need a little fiber I have a bran muffin - banana cream pie
Boston cream donut with boston cream pie.
For the traditionalist I have a pairing of buttermilk donut and apple pie
and for the unusual we have toasted coconut donuts with sweet potato pie.
By the way , I love sweet potato pie and will gladly eat any you wish to send to me. It's extremely difficult to find sweet potato pie anywhere.
Well, what are you waiting for? Go to the bakery and the donut shop and try some donut pie. You know you want to.
Let me know your favorite pairing.
By combining the fried, artery clogging goodness of donuts with the diabetic coma inducing sweetness of pie I believe this new creation will send the culinary world screaming with joy.
As with great wine and food pairings, the proper donut - pie pairing is essential for the perfect dessert experience. For example a Rhubarb pie and chocolate cake donut combo could be vomit inducing, which could be fun if you feed it to your drunk friend at 3:00 in the morning, but certainly wouldn't be taste bud pleasing . For the delicate flavor of rhubarb you need a strawberry jelly donut.
Other pairings I have devised include:
Peanut donut crumbled atop pecan pie
Blueberry donut on blueberry pie
For those who need a little fiber I have a bran muffin - banana cream pie
Boston cream donut with boston cream pie.
For the traditionalist I have a pairing of buttermilk donut and apple pie
and for the unusual we have toasted coconut donuts with sweet potato pie.
By the way , I love sweet potato pie and will gladly eat any you wish to send to me. It's extremely difficult to find sweet potato pie anywhere.
Well, what are you waiting for? Go to the bakery and the donut shop and try some donut pie. You know you want to.
Let me know your favorite pairing.
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