Keep your weedwacker clean

For decades people have been telling children to wash their hands after urinating. I feel I must dust off my decades old biology degree from that venerable institution , the university of Illinois, and correct this error. You see, urine is actually mildly acidic and is a germicide (you know - kills germs). In fact as recently as the 1700's some people used to gargle with urine as an antiseptic. I'm sure it it wasn't great for the breath and I'm sure I would frown upon kissing anyone who just gargled with the stuff, but it was used as an antiseptic.
So, let me give you this scenario:
You wake up and take a shower. While in the shower you wash your private parts thoroughly. After your shower you put on clean underwear followed by clean pants. You could do this in reverse order, but it is not advised. You may even skip the underwear step all together, but let's assume the pants are clean. Your hands however, are exposed to germs constantly from surfaces that others have touched, sneezed on, coughed on etc. Your hands are the most germ ridden part of your body. Now you have the urge to pee, so you find an open urinal and and pull out your johnson with your filthy germ ridden hands. After finishing you put your now dirty willie back in your pants and wash your hands. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!
What you should do is wash your dirty hands BEFORE you pee, so that now only clean hands touch your pristine peepee and your are germ free.
And if you get a drop on your hands, don't worry, just wipe it on your pants and kill some germs.

Sweet smell of success

I have developed a new scent for men. It is unlike any other scent on the market. It is especially designed for men who don't have much, if any, success with women. No pretty fragrances or manly smells. This is for the man who needs a convincing lie. It is the scent of combined sex "fluids".
Upon smelling this fragrance other men will smile knowingly and there will be high fives all around. Women on the other hand will be intrigued and wonder what you've got going for you. This works especially well if you're not a "looker" as your best attributes will not be apparent prompting even more thought on the your possible talents.
But that's not all. I have a second product that will complete the illusion of studliness. This product is "post coital bed hair" spray and combined with the fragrance it will have people gazing in wonder or awe instead of thinking you may possibly have fallen into a vat of tuna fish.
So men can go ahead and live their dream because as the new saying goes "phony success breeds real success".
These products are still in development. Investors are welcome. Get in on the ground floor with this ground breaking product.Your initial investment may be as small as a bottle of Sam Adams, or as large as Donald Trump's hair care budget. After all the fragrance market is about $200 billion per year and growing - get your share!

Rose bowl

Illinois in the rose bowl, Michigan in the toilet bowl. Yes there is a god.
In order to continue this great season I am definitely not having a rose bowl party. I may not even go to one. I'll have to ask the judges. Judges please let me know the ruling and I will abide by it. After all it is for the greater good.

Better than a fish

Today I want to talk about pets. Everyone should have a pet. Pictured here is our 6 year old daschund "Honey". She is a wonderful , loving , protective dog with a great personality. She is 17 pounds of ferocity. she will lunge at 100 pound dogs and if necessary she will bark at absolutely nothing. Possibly she is chasing away evil spirits. I think she is auditioning for the lead in a new tv series - "The doggy ghost whisperer".

Anyway, she's a great pet. On a cold night she can climb into our bed and raise the temperature with her body heat by about a hundred degrees. It's like having your own portable furnace. She's very affectionate and will gladly lick your face, if you happen to be wearing peanut butter. And if you throw a ball for her to fetch, she will sit there and look at you until you go get it for her.She's no fool. She would rather chew a toy or take a nap. She's a real part of the family.

Cats are good pets too. The interact differently than dogs, but they still respond to their owners.

There is an understanding of sorts between humans, cats and dogs. We are, after all, warm blooded mammals and are capable of interacting. If business is bad we can even share their food.

For some reason some people like to have fish for pets. They will spend huge sums of money for tanks and filters and pumps. And even for rocks for their tanks. Then they get their fish and go "ooh, look at the pretty colors". You want to look at pretty colors? Go to the store and look at all of the nail polish colors - no charge. Or carpet samples.Or if you want to spend a few bucks buy a pantone kit and have every color you can imagine.

Then they will tell you how they can just sit and watch the fish swim around because it's so relaxing . You want to relax? Take a nap!

Some will say that they like to watch their children look at the fish with such fascination. Yeah , that's great for about 5 minutes. Then they get bored and look for other things like cartoons, toys and interactive games.

All of these things may be okay, but there is no interaction with fish, unless tapping on the glass so they'll swim away is interaction.They don't look at you or even acknowledge your existence. You can't take your fish out to play with or even to pet. And a walk to the park on a nice day is definitely out of the question even if you could find a leash that fit.

But I'm not against fish. You give me some smoked salmon and a bagel and cream cheese and watch me interact.

Super Saturday

Could there be a better day than one on which Illinois beats #1 Ohio state and Michigan loses?
Maybe your wedding day(or maybe not). Of course, in my case, my wedding day was better. Maybe when your kids were born.
Maybe your successful surgery to have your 3rd nipple removed.
Maybe next week when the Illini win again and Michigan loses again, Illinois can get invited to a better bowl game. That could be a better day.

More Chinese information

Why can't Chinese people use this finger?
See answer below














Because it's mine!

The "Bean" and the bucks

Over the last two months I have taken two trips to millenium park. These trips included seeing the "bean" up close. For those of you who haven't seen it I have included a picture. Words really can't express my feelings on this colossal piece of "art". But, I will try. When I first saw it I immediately thought of that rusty looking hunk of steel produced by Picasso that resides in Daley Plaza. My second thought was "No, nothing is quite that hideous, nor as big a waste of money." The Bean isn't that bad. At least the Bean is shiny and new. Other than that I can't think of any reason why a hunk of metal should take up prime real estate. Maybe I don't appreciate art. And the "bean" certainly is a bigger waste of money because in 1967 Picasso refused to be paid $100,000 for his sculpture and actually donated it to the city of Chicago. A fun tidbit is that Picasso never said what the sculpture represented. Theories range from - a horse, to his wife, to his dog. Some say(ok maybe just me) that he had no idea and said "I'll just give them this hunk of crap and say hey - I'm Picasso"

I also walked on the shiny, twisty metal bridge that makes a 100 foot journey into a quarter of a mile journey. It was built by that wonderful lake Michigan polluter, British petroleum. Gee, thanks!That cute bridge more than makes up for polluting our lake and our air. This bridge must be what they are talking about in their commercials when they tell us how much they care about our environment.
Overall , I found the park to be rather disapointing. But the cost of the park is very impressive. The original cost was to be a mere $150,000,000. In the end the cost was $481,000,000. Wow, we got change back from our half a billion dollars. I wonder who got rich on that deal?

It might not be so bad until you hear that the city of Chicago is going to institute record breaking tax hikes. At the same time the CTA is hundreds of millions of dollars in the hole. Routes are being discontinued making it extremely difficult fot thousands of these taxpayers to get to work. At the same time thousands of CTA employees will get laid off of their jobs. Not only that but there are reports of inspectors falsifying reports because they haven't even bothered to actually do their inspections, so some routes may not even be safe. Apparently no one has to answer for this as the only coments from the head of the CTA are about fare hikes and service cuts that will come.

And it's not just Chicago looking to suck taxpayers dry. The Cook county board is also looking for record breaking tax raises along with medical service cuts. It doesn't stop there. The state government is also looking for huge tax increases.

Here's an alternative to raising taxes. Chicago could sell the Picasso instead of raising taxes.

The point here is that it is irresponsible to spend enormous sums of taxpayer's money on useless crap like the bean and millenium park itself when there are real needs to be taken care of for the citizens. It seems that the local political system is trying to use the formula of the roman emperor who said that to keep the people happy you just have to give them "bread and circuses"

Well, millenium park isn't much of a circus, but the people running the show are certainly clowns.

Dr. Death

When Bill Clinton told a lie no one got hurt.
When George Bush told a lie 600,000 people died. So far!
In all of the 30+ years Saddam Hussein ran Iraq it is estimated that as many as 300,000 people were killed by him and his supporters.
Wow, George Bush is a real acheiver. Twice the death in 1/10 of the time.
Unfortunately over 3000 have been Americans. So far!
For those of you who want a fair , balanced, non-political view on the Bush administration's war performance , I urge you to see a documentary called "No end in sight"
Then let me know what you think.

Chinese people revisited

After reviewing Chinese made movies over the last decade such as "Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon" I have come to a startling realization about chinese people.
CHINESE PEOPLE CAN FLY!
They can fly at high speeds. They can fly in slow motion. They can even hover like a helicopter. The potential applications are tremendous. Just think of the speedy lunch or dinner deliveries when the delivery person can fly over the traffic. I know I'd be a big tipper. How about travel? Airline tickets too costly? Lines too long? In a rush to get to a meeting?All of these problems can be solved by calling the Chinese air taxi service. In a huge rush? No problem, rent a pair of chinese people to get you their twice as fast. Also there would be great environmental advantages. No greenhouse gasses, because chinese people run on rice and not jet fuel.
Oh those clever, industrious chinese. What will they think of next?

China - give me a fork

The Chinese people have a reputation as being a very intelligent people. But I'm not so sure. Just look at the Chinese restaurant. They start you off by bringing you tea. That's great , but when you pick up your cup you burn your hands! "Why" you may ask, "do you burn your hands"? I'll tell you why. Because there are no handles on chinese tea cups! How can a culture be around for 4000+ years and not invent a cup with handles? Or at least copy off of some other culture? Surely someone in the Ming dynasty should have said "hey, look at what those Etruscans are doing with cups these days. I think we can knock those off pretty cheaply". At least they could have come up with something like "tea gloves" to protect their hands. Maybe they just prefer callouses on their fingers. Cups without handles are not the worst feature of the Chinese restaurant, however, that distinction goes to chopsticks. How smart an idea is it to pick up your food with two miniature spears? They aren't even attached. You have to work them independently in the same hand. These tools are similar to those found with Neanderthal man 30,000 years ago. it may be time for some updating. Some people just have to use them to enhance their Chinese food eating experience (or so they say). I think they just like to show off. Face it Chinese people - Forks kick chopstick ass any day. Their easier to use and far more efficient. If you didn't clump your rice into sticky balls you would probably starve to death. So maybe Chinese people aren't so smart . Although they did come up with the egg roll. A perfect food that doesn't require any utensils at all. H'mm - food for thought.

The evils of blogging

Part of our brave new world is ,of course, the internet revolution. The ability for people from around the world to communicate freely and easily has changed the world. In recent years blogging has become an important piece of our internet age. People can freely express thoughts and ideas to others without needing traditional venues such as newspapers, magazines, books, and radio and TV shows. Editors and publishers kept many thoughtful, intelligent people from publishing . Sometimes because the writing may have been inadequate, sometimes because it wasn't profitable. And sometimes because facts were incorrect, or nonsense was being presented as fact. There was at least some oversight for what was presented. Speech was free, but access to the public was limited.
Recent expansion in the number of cable channels started to change this by giving rise to "smashmouth television". This is a show format that is especially prevalent in pseudo-news shows - that is shows that present themselves as news and/or current events shows that are actually entertainment. Where unfortunately most viewers get what they consider actual news. They are simply getting aroused by obnoxious moderators. This draws more viewers and so ratings go up , thus encouraging cable stations to increase the number and obnoxiousness of these shows. The profits are far better than actual fact containing news shows. These "smashmouth" shows are more like the popular "professional wrestling" shows.
The internet and blogging has continued and accelerated the changes started by cable TV. Now everyone, myself included, can present their thoughts for the whole world to read. While it is nice to be able express opinions to the worldwide audience it is imortant to remember that the people writing these blogs may not be reliable. I would say that most people have been conditioned since childhood to place more credence to written pieces. Mainly because over the years published writers have had to display talent and intelligence or they probably would not be published. This is not to say that nonsense never got published and that hateful opinion pieces never saw the light of day, but it certainly was not common place. But bloggers are another story. They(we) may be unstable. They may be hateful. They may be fools simply parroting words they've heard elsewhere. Maybe they just want the attention (and in their mind , the glory) that can come from putting their name on a written piece. Some may have the society's best interest at heart, but not the capability or understanding of an issue that is important to them.
Now more than ever we must be careful and analytical of what we read. This great new forum of public expression is a double sided expansion of our freedom of speech. While on one side there is more access for great thoughts and world improving ideas, on the other side there is room for bad intentions and divisive, hateful plans.
So, remember when reading blogs that aren't mine - BEWARE.

Michigan = Doormat

Michigan getting crushed by Oregon is almost as good as losing to Appalachian state.
0 and 2 and heading down. What could be better?

Me for president

I'm not entirely happy with my choices for the next president of the United States. We seem to have the usual array of candidates ranging from phony, to stupid, to bought and paid for.
Since I'm not phony, stupid or bought and paid for, I am , without doubt a better candidate.
So, I am now announcing my candidacy for president of the United States.
Please write me in on your ballots next year.
I will be glad to discuss my views with anyone.

The problem with Football

Pro football is the 2nd most popular spectator sport after auto racing - if you can call auto racing a sport. So the NFL probably doesn't need my advice - BUT, they're going to get it anyway.
The games are too goddam long! 45 seconds between each play is way too long. The networks love it. Plenty of time for more commercials. But let me tell you when you have to listen to overly excited fat guys yelling during the 4 replays of each play it gets a little tiring. A replay of a great play is okay. But these guys replay every single play multiple times. Hey, most plays are no big deal. Some of them actually suck. I don't really need to see these plays over and over. From the strong side, from the weak side, from the blimp and from the running back's left testicle. No , I don't need it. And then to hear the analyst screaming with excitement - "Wow, if the linebacker had lined up 8 inches to his left he would have been able to avoid the block and make the tackle". That's the first replay. The second replay goes like this " Watch the left guard turn his head, if the nose tackle had been looking he could have jumped on top of him and drawn an illegal procedure". Now the third replay well that's the really important one. It goes "If the running back had looked back to his left he could have stopped, done a 360 and cut back through the 6 inch opening between those 2 325 pound guys and then it's clear sailing to the end zone". You know what. I don't give a crap. The guy ran for a 2 yard gain. Just shut the hell up! You know it is ok to have an unexpressed thought.
So here's what the NFL needs to do to get me back and enhance the experience for you many millions of fans who don't know your being needlessly bored.
Ready?
Reduce the amount of time between plays from 45 seconds to 25 seconds. It shouldn't be too hard. We're dealing with top professional athletes who are mostly in their 20's. I think they can get back to the line of scrimmage in time. If they're tired maybe some of rarely used back ups can play.
Just 20 seconds - that's all I ask.

BP update

BP said they may decide against the extra dumping in lake michigan. The next day the state of Indiana approved BP to emit double the allowable amount of soot into the atmosphere. Who's payroll are these Indiana guys on?
The boycott continues!

Michigan loses to Hadley school for the blind

Mighty 5th ranked Michigan lost to Appalachian State! This is a school that is so obscure I'm not even sure I spelled it right. They're not even a division 1 school. Yes there's joy in Illiniland. Maybe not quite as much as if Illinois actually went on say a 1 game winning streak or even 2 big ten wins in only one season, but still the pleasure of seeing 100,000 fans filing out of a stadium in shock and disbelief shedding their blue and yellow tears is hard to top. I suppose if you really want to understand the feeling you can ask an Illinois born and raised Michigan fan. Although extremely rare there is one in the northwest suburbs. I don't want to say his say his name to save his family from embarrassment and scorn. I guess I can disguise his name to Clark Feinstein.
Anyway , I just wanted to enjoy the fact that Michigan suffered what may be the most embarrassing defeat in c0llege football history.

Boycott BP

As you may or may not know, British Petroleum (BP) has gotten permission from the state of Indiana to dump increased quantities of ammonia and suspended solids into lake michigan. The EPA says they can't do anything to stop it but will beg BP to do something nice in return for ignoring the clean water act.
I don't know about you , but I like my drinking water without ammonia and sludge.
While there has been some politicking against BP and and a petition it's doubtful they will stop the dumping. It's apparent that we must act on our own. The only way to stop BP is to hurt them economically. So boycott BP. Buy your gasoline elsewhere and encourage everyone you know to do the same. Then email BP and tell them your boycotting. This shouldn't be a hardship for anyone. There are plenty of other gas stations to go to.

War

Why did they call it the "civil war"? What was so civil about it?

Steel 88

It was Yom HaShoah, the Holocaust memorial day. As a survivor, he was asked to speak.
He looked a little uncomfortable holding the microphone. He had repeated several times that he didn’t know what to say. He sat straight and firm, perfectly groomed and dressed. Eighty-eight years of Steel. He began to speak haltingly, the microphone held too far from his mouth to be useful, to a group comprised mostly of senior citizens, who mostly couldn’t hear him.
He spoke of several events, not necessarily in chronological order, but as they were dredged up from the depths of his hidden memory and dusted off. These were events from his life in Europe during the war. Several times he said that he had spent the last 60 years trying to forget those years. No dealing with the horrors, he just kept them locked in his head. Life must continue. Push ahead. Don’t look back. No relenting. Eighty-eight years of Steel. Steel doesn’t show emotion. But steel survives.
But there’s plenty of life there. He’s comfortable now and speaking freely and with confidence. He offers gallows humor, sarcastically commenting about the “nice life” during the war.
But when he mentions meeting his future bride, he is different. When he mentions being unable to go with her when she is sent elsewhere, he changes.
The microphone sways – just a little, the strong voice quavers – just a little, his expression softens.
For a moment, the steel softens and begins to turn molten. So the pent up grief and anguish can finally flow freely like molten steel and burst forth on his children, his friends, his acquaintances. They will all finally know his story and his wife’s story. Not the stories of other survivors that so many have heard, but his personal story. Unlike any other. Now anyone who has ever known him will truly see him. The powerful emotions, unshared with all but one, will rain down on the people around him like brimstone. Burning them with the searing heat of his tortured memories. But maybe they can’t bear it. It’s not pleasant.
So, the moment passes.
The Steel hardens, the microphone steadies, the eyes clear, the voice firms.
He is alone with his secrets. The only other one who knew them is gone now. The wonderful wife of 62 years, who he miraculously met again years later in the war. The only one who shared the secrets and the horrors. She is gone now. She took the secrets with her and he will finish the job.
No one will know. The memories will die. But why? Shouldn’t everyone know? Shouldn’t these terrible memories be preserved? So that we never forget and never allow it to happen again?
Why? Because Steel survives. When you’re tough enough to survive you move on. No looking back. Why remember when you’ve lived it already.
Look forward, not back. Show this to your children. Everyone else has had it easy compared to you, but you show them you are unscathed. Stronger than anyone. And they must be stronger as well. No matter how it affects them. And it will affect them.
In some ways, no matter how hard he will try to conceal it, it will hover over them, seep inside of them. In this haunting way, the Holocaust will live on in the children of war. But they will survive. After all, they are the children of Steel. But they will have the freedom to let their emotions loose. A luxury Steel could not afford.
He is almost done speaking now. Some events have been sketchily recalled. The fleeing to Russia. Going to Siberia. Going all the way to the Chinese border only to be turned away. Back to Siberia. Hiding in the bushes with four starving companions. Given an entire loaf of bread for the five of them to share by an old, bearded Russian “Aristocrat” when they hadn’t eaten for days.
To Kyrgyzstan, where he once again found his life’s love and was married to her by the “Jewish gonif with a beard”.
To Italy. To Austria. To America. The United States is better, but still not easy. Work three jobs to get by. He visited Chicago, but didn’t stay. It was too corrupt. Everyone tries to take advantage, but no one can stop you. You get by and the family grows. You thrive against all odds. Now he comes back to the present. To the life he lives now. Even if it’s lonelier than he expected.
The events recalled are not important.
The Steel is important.
Behind the Steel, the horrible memories remain locked.
But the Steel survived and today the children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren thrive.

The wonders of gas

Recently I had the pleasure of seeing some old friends. College roomates actually. During the course of our evening we of high eduation and varied life experiences talked about many things including the serious topic of gasoline , alternative fuels and their viability. We of course solved this earth threatening problem rather quickly (you'll have to wait for the book) and moved on to a truly impotant topic - GAS!. Human gas! You know the really important stuff. The release of which causes no end of mirthful entertainment and relief at the same time.
In our midst on this evening was the "Emperor of expulsion" himself. A man who sneers at the amateurishness (good word, huh?) of simply burping the alphabet as mere child's play. A man who can use just the smallest measure of virtually any fuel from beer, to coke, to water, yes even to air to eject exclamations of marvelous proportion. Seemingly in violation of the very laws of physics! Indeed 1 ounce of coke can be reformed into a 5, 8, 10, even 12 seconds of a 70 decibel celebration of life. It's enough to bring tears to the eyes. Even more amazing is that unlike most sports increasing in age does not mean decreasing in performance. One can continue to perform at peak level and even improve over the course of time. I actually witnessed our "Baron of Belch" give an amazingly complex string of evenly spaced, perfectly toned, 40 decibel burps that continued for at least a minute. It was as if time stood still. With tears in my eyes I simply stood and applauded. I will not identify Paul Von Roos here tonight as he may wish to keep his anonimity. He feels there is nothing worse than being hounded by the paparazzi.
This performance got me to wondering why there are no professional leagues. This is a sport that many can play at home and can enjoy playing in their local park district leagues. Just think about a league of mixed doubles where a couple can seek revenge against a noisy neighbor couple. And of course for the great ones there can be professional leagues. And then fantasy leagues. As my friends and I hover on both sides of the age of 50 I think of another possibility - A senior tour!
Eventually Belching is destined to become an array of Olympic events just like gymnastics, with individual events and an all around winner.
Of course incuded in all of this will be the sister sport of farting with it's own categories of odor, duration, combinations and creativity.
And what I feel is most gratifying is the emergence of young talent. Nothing makes a father quite so proud as having a son or daughter develop into a contender. I am watching my own very carefully. One has developed his own "burp and blow" technique of burping and then blowing it in the direction of someone he deems deserving of a "stale salami" burp. He takes a perverse pleasure in striking someone new. My other son is honing his farting skill with the amazing ease of a master craftsman. He has already earned the title of "The prince of Putrescense". Indeed he is pushing me to new heights and will probably surpass me soon.
Ahh, this visit with my friends has been invigorating. It's good to have them around. It helps to remind one that sometimes the simplest things in life are the most satisfying.

Government For Sale

Today the existence of the United States is being threatened. The rights and freedoms we have had for over 200 years are in peril. Our existence is not threatened by terrorists. Nor is it the danger from pollution or global warming. Even the nuclear threat of a crazed dictator in North Korea or the potential threat in Iran is small. The only way this country can be destroyed is from within. Only corruption, greed and the desire for power of our elected politicians can bring us down. Corporate america sends giant money to Washington DC with their lobbyists whose sole purpose is to buy favor and favorable legislation from senators and congressman. And it works! Meals, trips, campaign contributions and contributions to the "charitable foundation" that each politician seems to have founded. (I understand that this last one is great as there are no limits on charitable donations and no disclosure is required). Ive also heard of the promise of jobs, board seats etc. for a legislator in the days after political retirement(or even while in office). If a private citizen shows up in Washington at his congressman's office, he or she will most likely be sent away after possibly seeing a minor staff member who tells you that the congressman is too busy to see you, but enjoy your visit to Washington. How is it that these corporate entities can always get a representative in to see the congressman or at least a senior staff member? And why should they be allowed at all? They are not citizens and do not vote. Why should their opinion matter? Their interest is only for their own profits, not the good of the people. If they weren't allowed to bribe. . . excuse me , donate money they wouldn't get the time of day any more than you or I. But it also is a politician problem. They want money to get reelected so they can retain their power and their money machine and this is the easy way to do it. And it works. Incumbents get reelected almost every single time. And they all leave office far wealthier than when they arrived. How do they do that on their salary? In the meantime the middle class is getting sold down the river as the rich get richer from ever more favorable tax laws. What can be done about this? Lobby groups must be barred from giving even a single cent in any way, shape or form to a politician or to any member of his or her staff. There needs to be severe penalties for giving (or receiving) this money. Campaign spending should be limited to one's personal money, the money that is donated by citizens and a certain amount of money provided by the government for qualified candidates. A set amount of signatures of binding support may be the way to determine what makes a candidate qualified. Also a strict accounting of government funds must be kept with unspent money being returned. I would also give huge raises to our senate and house of representatives. These are jobs with huge responsibility and the pay should match. It also will help stifle the need to become rich by way of illicit contributions and bad legislation. I would say at least a $1,000,000 per year salary would be fitting, probably considerably more. Term limits should be considered as well. If not term limits at least limits on how long one can chair important committees. This can limit long term office holders from wielding too much power over junior members of the senate and house. In short, corporate involvement in politics and government needs to be stopped. decisions about the welfare of our country need to stay in the hands of the citizens.

Sshh about the genitalia

One thing all people must always remember. Don't talk about genitals in front of your mother! I don't mean to say that you can't call someone a dick. Or a prick. Or a schmuck. Or a putz. Or a weiner. Or a Johnson. Or a cock. Or a pecker. Or a one eyed trouser mouse. Or a baloney pony.
Or . . . well you get the idea.
You can say " I got hit in the nuts" But you can't tell your mother "My nuts were a hit". She just doesn't want to hear that about or from her baby.
You can brag to your friends or a potential date about the size of your manhood, but don't brag to your mother. She'll puke. And don't forget she already knows the truth.
You can tell a friend or your father "My testicles have swollen to the size of grapefruits" They will probably laugh. And maybe even suggest a remedy. But don't tell your mother. She will want to know how your cocktail onions turned into grapefruits, while saying she doesn't want to know.
And as much fun as it may be, please do not tell your mother that you play with your nuts. She definitely doen't want to know that her son can please himself without the possibility of grandchildren. So don't say anything about "spanking the monkey", "flogging the bishop", "beating your meat", "pulling taffy" or my personal eastern european favorite "yanking your yosh".
So no gonad conversations with or in hearing range of your mother. She only wants to think of her son as her innocent little baby.

Winter Blows

I'm cold. I'm really cold! I'm not a winter person. Since I was 10 years old I've been threatening to move somewhere warm, like southern California or Arizona. but definitely not Florida. I don't have any need for the humidity and the hurricanes not to mention alligators in my back yard. I've been to Daytona Beach and the entire town smelled like beer and vomit. I've been to Miami and the whole city smelled like embalming fluid. Who needs to live in Hell's waiting room anyway? But I digress. I was ranting about winter.
Instead of moving to a warmer climate I'll just wait for the warmer climate to come to me. This global warming thing may work out great for me. With the gradual temperature increase I'll have a great winter vacation home in no time. You people driving gas guzzling suv's and pick up trucks are a ton of help in releasing greenhouse gases into the atmosphere and warming me up. The amusing thing about suv's is that in urban areas they are basically useless.Where are you going to go off roading? Your back yard? Watch out for the grill! And for this useless display of oversized gas guzzling steel you get to pay thousands of dollars more than for a more useful energy efficient car or if you need more space a minivan.
Or maybe these drivers are selflessy looking to help those poor little oil companies get by, because they need help. The federal government ruthlessly gave the oil companies only a multi -billion gift to search for oil( under the guise of an "energy policy") when they will obviously need at least double that so we can pay for their new oil refining plants to be built. Since as of now, even if they do find oil, the oil companies don't have the capacity to refine what they find. But again I digress!
Winter sucks! Why can't snow only fall on the grass? Now that would be helpful. Then we could have the beauty of snow without having to shovel. Think of the countless lives that would saved of stubborn middle aged and old aged men who are to stubborn to buy a snow blower and have heart attacks shoveling tons of snow from their driveways and sidewalks. And it's not just the shoveling to worry about. The dreaded invisible ice patch is always lurking. Looking to send the unsuspecting carefree walker flailing clumsily through the frozen air to land heavily on his ass. This will not only send searing pain up one's tailbone, it will make that person the recipient of the roaring laughter of one's family. There will of course be the false look of concern and the obligatory "are you alright" sandwiched between laughs.
And what of the people who like winter sports and think I'm a killjoy? Well nothern Illinois is certainly too flat for skiing, so go on vacation somewhere like Colorado. Same with snow boarding. And if you actually want to cross country ski, get some roller blades and go indoors. If you still insist on cross country skiing outside, go get your head examined, your probably an imbecile. Ice skating can be done indoors. Ice fishing? What guy was so desperate to get away from his wife that he decided to put a 5 foot by 5 foot shack on a frozen lake and saw a hole in the ice and sit there with a six-pack and try to outsmart a fish. If you must ice fish - Go to Minnesota!
And hardly anything can even live in the winter. The plants are all dead and the trees are hideously barren.The birds all leave except the canada goose, who is incredibly noisy and tends to walk out into traffic and cause accidents. Aside from that they make a seemingly endless supply of good old fashioned shit. Apparently geese are designed to defacate their weight in turds every single day! I suppose I should thank the snow for covering it all up every once in a while. But I won't! Snow sucks. Ice sucks. cold sucks.
How about scraping off your car before going to work in the morning? What a treat! And shivering in the car while waiting an eternity for it to heat up. And trying to see through fogged up windows doesn't work , so naturally you must roll down the windows in minus 52 degrees celsius weather to see the other cars.
So please global warming - how about a little help here?

Men - stay out of the delivery room

Throughout history women have had the babies while men have waited outside. It was an arrangement that worked . Women screamed in pain and gave birth and then men passed out cigars. And the human race continued to expand. In recent decades there has been a change that has insidiously taken root and threatens to change birthing and manhood forever. It seems that some unknown woman started a movement that has quickly spread throughout the country. Men had to become sensitive and supportive. First came the Lamaze classes, where husbands and boyfriends learned to say "Breathe honey" and "hoo hoo hoo ". Then it was men in the delivery room with video camera and words of support. let me tell you - there is nothing more useless than a man watching his wife moan and perspire while trying to push a moose through a cat door. After a couple of " you're doing great honey's" the most common response is " Shut the _uck up and get me some _ucking ice chips". And don't give me any of that "It's a beautiful experience to share " crap. There's nothing wonderful about hours of watching your significant other writhing in pain followed by the emergence of your slime covered, ET looking offspring. Men can't share the pain and women can't share the feeling of utter uselessness. It's all just a bunch of hype being spread to convince men that this is what men should do to become sensitive and evolved. But it's all a lie! Nothing is more useless than a husband in a delivery room. Real men should pace in the waiting room until a nurse comes out for them. Then they can pass out cigars (sorry no more lighting up). After that they can go see their wife and new baby and say "you did great honey"

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

With all of the obsession with diet and exercise, I'll probably die from anxiety. It's like a cloud hanging over my head making me wonder about every morsel of food that passes my lips. Everyday it seems there is something new to worry in my food consumption. Now there are trans fats - the new ultimate killer! There used to be just fats and the advice was don't eat too much fat. then you had to worry about satuated fats and now it's trans fats. And of course there is cholesterol. It used to be high or low with low being good. Then there was good cholesterol(hdl) and bad cholesterol(ldl). Good cholesterol needs to be high and bad cholesterol needs to be low. How low? Lower than ever appparently. What was acceptable 2 years ago is too high today. Oh and by the way , bad cholesterol isn't really bad . You still need it, but it has to be in the right proportion to the good cholersterol. Is that all ? NO! How about those carbs? The "scientific community" is just a little bit divided on this subject. One group says "don't eat carbs at all . They make you fat , and lethargic" After all, cave men had little to no carbs and they were very strong. They could kick some modern day man ass any day of the week and they discovered fire. Probably because their brains weren't muddled with too many carbs. The other group says " eat your carbs. at least 40% of your diet should be carbs. Your body needs that quickly accesible energy supply for your brain( in the form of glucose - otherwise known as sugar) and exercise (especially if you are going to run in a marathon). And by the way cave men didn't live very long. Is that all about carbs? NO! Because now there are good and bad carbs. You have to have carbs, but with a low glycemic index, so you don't mess mess up your blood sugar level and become diabetic. Ah, and then there is protein, that builder of muscle. Eat oodles of the stuff. Body builders even consume large amounts of "designer" protein (whatever that is).It is made of amino acids, some of which the body can't produce, so we need to eat the flesh of other animals, many of which taste good. Unless of course you talk to a vegetarian who can tell you how to get your needed proteins without animal meat and thus sparing our adorable animal friends. Like beans, after which I can make the campfire scene from Blazing Saddles seem quiet and dignified. Are we done yet? NO! How about vitamins? Some "experts" say that if you eat a good diet you don't need them. Of course other "experts" say that we never eat a good diet and we need at the very least a multivitamin with 8000% of our our daily minimum requirement. There is much more, but let's talk about the other half of our life enhancing lifestyle - exercise. Should we exercise our bodies? Absolutely! How? How much? I'm glad you asked because we need to get this just right so that in conjunction with our perfect diet we can live healthy acive lives until we check out at the age of 150. Some exercise equipment can of course make you look like hercules in just 20 minutes a day , 3 days a week. Even if you're 97 years old and in bad health. All with only 2386 monthly payments which your estate can pay after you die. Provided of course , you had a lot of life insurance.. Of course "experts" say that 20 minutes a day of raising your heart rate to 80% of maximum is sufficient to be in excellent over all health. I spent 20 minutes opening bills yesterday and raised my heart rate to 800% of maximum , so naturally Iwas able to take the next ten days off. Exercising more is universally said to be more beneficial. So, many people exercise a great deal and in a variety of activities, some of which can be dangerous. And of course the exercise is beneficial to all doctors who perform surgery on various destroyed joints. You know, knee replacements, hip replacements, knee scopes etc. How many couch potatoes do you know that blew out a knee or destroyed some other joint? Seeing these dangers, I decided that to go along with my joint destroying cardio exercise, I would practice yoga rather than use weights or chase younger people up and down a basketball court. When practiced right without attempting to push too hard ( a great weakness of mine) yoga can be refreshing , calming and physically challenging. Sometimes one can get carried away and/or misinterpret a teacher's instructions and get twisted into an unusual position and end up trying to remove one's left testicle from one's right ear without causing too much damage. Or at other times there can be some accidental and loud gas release when in just the right pose. This ,of course, occurs during a pause in the yoga teacher's chosen music when all is deadly quiet and still. When this happens no one laughs, or even looks at you. They are just happy it wasn't them. and hopeful that it won't be odorous. So, you can see that worrying about diet and exercise can make your life a living hell, filled with doubt and confusion as you try to learn and understand the latest and probably innaccurate diet and exercise information. Will all of this help me to live longer? Will it at least help my life be better? Or should I just ignore it all and not worry ? I'm going to think about this over a candy bar. After that I'm going to take a nap.

Mexicans - the true americans

Solving the immigration isn't so hard when you look at it in a different way. First you have to divide this into two separate issues. First is the issue of homeland security/terrorism. This is separate from the actual immigration issue. We probably wouldn't be having this debate at all if it wasn't for the terrorism possibilities. It would be just business as usual. Certainly on this issue we need to be able to control our borders and know who is entering our country at all times. The issue of mexican immigration is where we need drastic change. We spend countless dollars trying to stop the stream of mexican people from entering our country and often the ones we send back simply try again later. Most of the proposals i've heard from politicians involve throwing more dollars at the problem. The solution is to let all mexican people except those with criminal records into the United States and allow them to have work permits. I would still make the path to citizenship just as difficult and lengthy as immigrants from any other country, but our attitude must change towards the mexican people. The mexican people who come here are the very embodiment of the american dream. Many of them risk their very lives just to get here. To come to a place where by the sweat of their brow they can build a better life for themselves and their families. They don't speak english, are discriminated against and live in fear of being caught and sent back. They willingly take the lowest jobs and show immense pride in their work no matter how menial. But they persevere and work their way up. They take jobs bussing tables, cutting lawns, and loading trucks, but after a while they are waiters, landscape company owners and the drivers of the trucks. Their families are important to them and they want to educate their children to acheive more than they do and have productive lives. And they are not taking anyone's jobs away. Those jobs have always been there. All things being equal , business owners would certainly opt for english speaking employees to avoid costly communication problems. But all things are not equal. People here are no longer willing to work hard and work their way up. People here seem to think they have something coming to them and don't want to work. Maybe the people who don't want to work should go to Mexico where there is no work. It would save the rest of us a lot of money not having to support perpetual welfare abusers. When i say perpetual welfare abusers I don't mean people between jobs who go back to work as soon as possible. I mean the people who never work, but still collect with no intent to work. There is no pride and no drive. America needs to be revitalized and this influx of desire from Mexico is just what we need. Just like when our parents, grandparents and great-grandparents came here filled with their own desires and the drive to chase those dreams. Immigration is what made this country great. We need more Mexicans not less.